I have always said that what makes blogging incredibly easy is the wide wide world of stupidity that parades itself before our disbelieving eyes every day. Which is to say: I’ve read some seriously stupid shit over the past four years. This column, coming as it does from a Congressional candidate in North Carolina is absolutely stunning due in no small part to the overwhelming volume of “what the fuck?” moments. Let’s begin, shall we?:
Imagine going to your doctor and being offered a pillâ€”not because you were sick, or in any danger of becoming sick. Noâ€”your friendly physician is simply giving you drugs because youâ€™re a woman.
If that sounds like a Hitchcock horror story to youâ€”be prepared. Gynecologists around the country are embarking on a weird medical experiment that could have serious repercussions for womenâ€™s health.
First off, if you’re not a woman and you’re going to see the gynecologist…we need to talk. No. Really. We need to talk. I mean…well, we really need to talk. Secondly, as Big Brain Nathan points out later on, women are being offered a prescription good for one year for the morning after pill. They are not being tackled, their jaws pried apart, a pill thrust into their mouth and then that throat rubbing thing that you do with dogs. They are given a prescription in case they need it.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) has decided it wonâ€™t wait for the Food and Drug Administration to approve over-the-counter sales of the so-called morning after pillâ€”a pill which is supposed to help women who are harboring regret over a sexual encounter the night before. Of course, it doesnâ€™t matter that the FDA is hesitant to give the pills out like candy because it doesnâ€™t want to promote promiscuity among young people.
Shorter version: The availability of the pill confers upon you potential Ho-hood. If you regret the night before, you’re an Accidental Ho…but a Ho nonetheless. By the way, if you’re taking regular birth control pills and feel that you can sleep around with with the promise that you are protected, society says that you are not a Ho. You are a slut. That’s different.
No, ACOG wonâ€™t let the facts stand in the way of its misguided idea of scientific progress. In fact, the gynecologistsâ€™ group employs this fuzzy reasoning for promoting morning after pill prescriptions: women tend to have sex on weekends. Maybe women also tend to have beer on Saturday nights. Does that mean their family doctors should load them up with six packs every time they come in for flu shots?
Okay. I admit it. I don’t know what the fuck Nathan is talking about here. I’m sure he worked all week on that analogy, but it’s not working for me. I guess he lives in a town where you need a prescription to buy beer and you wouldn’t want to be caught in an emergency on a Saturday night when you really need a beer in order to sleep with Brent Baker (which would make you a Low Self Esteem, Self Loathing, More Night-Before Regret Than Any Woman Should Have to Deal With Ho). Or maybe Nathan was being glib. I’m gonna go with the first option.
The fact is, the pro-abortion contingent of ACOG is running scared. Pharmacists throughout the country have said they donâ€™t want to dispense the morning after pill, also known as emergency “contraception,” because they have religious and moral objections to it. The abortionists know that if they can get women hooked on the morning after pill that theyâ€™ll have more support for their agendaâ€”which includes abortion any time for any reason, anywhere
Or… women could just go on the regular pill and then they wouldn’t have to go looking for shady gynecologists (also known as “The Man”, ” My Connection”, or “Dr. Sheldon Nussbaum OB/GYN, LLC”) on darkened street corners in the negro part of town because they have a “baby on their back” as they call it in the current street patois.
Itâ€™s interesting to note that some experts have come to the conclusion that there really isnâ€™t a great demand for the morning after pill. In other words, pharmacies are not going to go out of business for refusing to stock it. So the only way for big drug companies to sell the morning after pill and other such concoctions is to market them directly to doctors
Pharmacies will also not go out of business if they don’t stock Preparation H, but that won’t stop hemorrhoids from happening. Ask Denny Hastert.
Every time a woman comes into a gynecologistâ€™s office, ACOG wants the doctor to offer her advance prescriptions of the morning after pill. But it is apparently not enough to simply make the offer; indeed, some women are reporting that their gynecologists are insisting that they take the prescriptionâ€”even if they say repeatedly that they donâ€™t want it. The doctors urge them, “itâ€™s good for a year!” This kind of scenario makes a mockery out of the phrase “pro-choice.” In a situation like this, how can anyone not conclude that “pro-choice” is really “pro-abortion?”
…and if women choose to not use the prescription they would still be ….making a choice. Throwing it away could be considered “aborting” the prescription, but we prefer calling it “crumpling it up into a little ball and making a three-point fadeaway at the buzzer”.
Apparently, ACOG sees no reason for gynecologists to inform their patients that the morning after pill can cause abortionsâ€”even if some women have strong moral objections to abortion. For ACOG, the pill is a simple solution to the estimated 2.7 million unplanned pregnancies that occur each year.
But the fact of the matter is, a number of us were the result of unplanned pregnancies. You donâ€™t have to be plannedâ€”or even wanted by your natural parentsâ€”in order to make a difference in this world. Every human life is precious from the moment of conceptionâ€”and no dictate from ACOG can change that.
Nathan was a mistake and his mother has never let him forget it. A hot summer night… too many mai tais… an Emanuelle movie on VHS. You fill in the details.
Doctors routinely tell pregnant women not to take any medication during their pregnancies for fear that it will harm their unborn children. If a pregnant woman canâ€™t take an aspirin, how can doctors assume that itâ€™s safe for her to take the morning after pill? What if the pill “fails” and the woman remains pregnant? Or what if the woman takes the pill when sheâ€™s already six weeks along? And whatâ€™s to prevent the pill from getting into the hands of the womanâ€™s impressionable 13-year-old daughter, who sees the pill as a good excuse to “hook up” with a boy she barely knows? Will ACOG pay for the girlâ€™s counseling when she discovers that the boy who took away her virginity is a stalker or 40 years old?
Okay, now Nathan is starting to creep me out. Where the hell did that little scenario playing out in Nathan’s head come from? I mean, I guess when you’re not yet an elected Republican you have miles to go before you can move on up to dog sex (Santorum), box turtle sex (Cornyn), or skank sex (anyone who has slept with Ann Coulter), but that little Tabor fever dream may be a bit ahead of the curve.
Then again, great wingnuts from little nuts grow.