Mickey & Mallory Malkin Go To College
Mickey: Turn left? Turn left to what you stupid bitch?
Mallory: You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? Mickey, that’s what my father used to call me! I thought you’d be a little more creative than that!
Really now. Did anyone expect any less of Michelle and Jesse Malkin than to use her C-level fame to launch her chromosomally damaged readers after some college students at UC Santa Cruz? C’mon, it’s not like she wants to limit her career options to three minute appearances on Fox with O’Reilly (did you know Bill never wears pants when she’s on? You can look it up) and book signings at Young Fleshy Slightly Damp College Republican conventions. Not when a horse-faced Ann Coulter is pulling down $30K an appearance to blurt out post-9/11 Andrew Dice Clay-isms in a voice that is about two octaves lower than Clays. Michelle is cute (and crazy)! And perky (and crazy)! And her soul is deader than Bob Dole’s dick (…and she’s crazy!). She deserves the big bucks and if she has to write like a tweaker with a raging yeast infection to get some attention, well, deal with it. She’s not going to be ignored! No slight to America is too small for Michelle not to fake a back-arching ragegasm guaranteed to engorge her loyal one-handed readers as they alt-tab back and forth between her site and bukakebitches.com.
And it’s not like the family doesn’t have anger management issues. Let’s not forget Jesse who parlayed his Rhodes Scholarship into a semi-paying gig fact-checking for his wife:
Mr. Jesse Malkin, founder and former publisher of the Oberlin Forum, physically assaulted and verbally threatened to kill me on the afternoon of the 1991 Commencement exercises, just after I had taken one picture of him for the Oberlin Hi-O-Hi 1991 yearbook supplement. I am writing because I feel that such an act of intolerance should be unacceptable in an academic community which of course values tolerance, freedom of speech, and – above all – civilized behavior toward all people, including photographersâ€¦
I have to admit that, until recently, I had never really paid any attention to the Oberlin Forum. I knew that it was the right-wing publication on campus, but its articles were short, often muddled, and not very well researched (if research was even an issue)â€¦
Commencement exercises had just finished, and Mr. Malkin was talking with College Treasurer Charles Tharp, somewhere close to the memorial arch. I approached them and circled around quickly, trying to find the best angle. I knew Mr. Malkin was a Rhodes scholar, founder of this publication, and that he had been Mr. Tharpâ€™s intern. In other words, here was someone whom I thought should definitely be in the yearbook – he was important. As I circled around, I raised my cameraâ€¦I snapped on picture.
Suddenly, Mr. Malkin turned to me, yelling â€œDonâ€™t take my pictureâ€¦â€ I wondered why he was yelling, but lowered my camera. There were other, equally important people whose pictures I had yet to take. Suddenly, he lunged out at me, shouting, â€œDonâ€™t fuck with me, or Iâ€™m going to kill you!â€ He grabbed my arm and tried to grab my camera, continuing to spew insults and death threats. The civilized scholar had suddenly transformed into an uncontrollable savage. Fortunately, a friend managed to pull me away from his grasp. Malkin must have regained his senses as his vicious fit ended and he ended his attack. This friend and several other people were all witnesses to this act of violence.
…and that was just over getting his picture taken. Don’t even think about getting in front of him in the twelve-item line with thirteen items. He’ll turn the Piggly-Wiggly into a fucking abattoir.
So, as Ezra says, don’t expect anything less from the Malkins. They’ve made their own private Bedlam. Let them claw at the walls and scream and froth in it.
Birds gotta fly. Fish gotta swim. Malkins gotta hate.