Late Nite FDL: Dickfest Semifinals, Night 4
We’re working our way through the splendid entries in Dickfest, the poetic musing of our readers about the honor of our Vice President. The choices are hard so please deliberate carefully, the winner will be awarded a copy of Bill Maher’s new book — many thanks to Bill for donating it. Remember to vote only once and please cast your vote by number:
Ah! maybe not a hunt so great
Poor Harry’s face got shot!
Oh! ’twas my Italian .28
That may put him yet to rot. (301)
Hey Dick where’re you goin with that gun in your hand?
To dinner of course I own this land
But Harry needs help he lies there bleeding
No there is spying to be done and the case needs pleading (302)
come on law enforcement
pick up your shoes
you captured poor Martha
now go get Dick too (303)
Will I forget the man I shot,
Whose time with me now looks like the plot
The Dems had to put me on the block?
No, I need to pray for me, for him: the problem’s that I cannot. (304)
Quail Hunt Filets
Dipped in an Unseasoned Batter
But When friends come a calling
I go heavy on the Pepper (305)
if you take a hard look
at Harry the male
he bears a resemblance
to the cute little quail (306)
Quayle quakes in winter
Whittington suffers Dick’s wrath
Stupid quail escape (307)
28 gauge pepper gun
Peppered the old man’s face
Later, over cocktails,
Rummy tells me "Hunting is messy" (308)
small bird and old man
got peppered and knocked silly
still need ICU (309)
Dick just what were you thinking?
Could it be that you’ve been drinking?
Just one now please pick up the pace
I can’t sumbitch you shot my face! (310)
Gotta get down to it
Cheney is gunning us down
Should have been done long ago (311)
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, the VP shot me down (312)
I HAD A BEER
I HAVE A GUN
LYNNE’S NOT HERE
YOU’D BETTER RUN. (314)
DON’T LIKE LIBERALS
DON’T LIKE HAIKU
DON’T MIND SHOOTING
‘CAUSE I DON’T LIKE YOU. (315)
I DRANK, I SHOT
I MISSED THE BIRD
WAS WITH SOME BABE (316)
I DRANK, I FIRED
I MISSED THE QUAIL
IF YOU SHOT A MAN
YOU’D BE IN JAIL. (317)
Shotgun’s hungry mouth is prest
Against his friend’s sweet flowing breast
I think that I shall never see
A blast the like of Dick Cheney’s (318)
This is my shotgun
This is my gun
This one’s a double action
And this one gets none. (319)
Oh, get a search warrant
to find us Al Gore and
send the abhorrent
Cheney away (320)
Ol’ Massa Cheney now dat man’s insane he gets blood lust so bad he goes half mad
to kill faster and quicker and then there’s the liquor on top of the pills that old man swills
he should be in the ground but he’s walkin’ around makin’ Big Time deals all the money he steals won’t be there in his grave why he’s just a slave to all Seven Sins yet he thinks he wins (321)
I’m a little veep-pot
Short and stout
Step to me
and I’ll shoot your lights out. (323)
Dick Cheney the Veep let an errant shot fly
To the face of his friend, we may never know why.
Some say he was careless, some say it was booze,
But its We the People who ultimately lose. (324)
drop your socks and grab your gun
the little birds are on the run
drink till your aim and your mood improves
then go out and shoot anything that moves (325)
He spun his tale on Fox with Hume
Employed his famous Voice of Doom
But no apology was heard
“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word (326)
Big Dick fired his gun out of "terra."
You might ask what was he afraid off?
Twas the beer and the meds, they put visions in his head
And he mistook his friend for al qaeda. (327)
For Cheney, dear Cheney
There is no disgrace
Not even for shooting
A friend in the face. (328)
his is my girlfriend, this is my gun
There’s blood on the ground, this is so fun
There’s blood in the desert, there’s oil in the sand
I have always wanted to kill a man. (329)
There’s a pattern here, that much is clear
Truth is always a casualty of ambition, as Cheney advances his legal fictions
First it was the disputed Florida vote in the 2000 election, then it was the mendacious Iraqi intel selection
The issue is negligence in the instant case, as Cheney’s decision to mix drinking and hunting resulted in him shooting an old man in the face (330)
Meds and booze, my head’s a swirl
Old "Quail-Face Harry" ate my shot
To the bunker! To the bunker! (331)
A man in need of liposuction
Went after the quail of mass destruction
A man in need of a hospital guerney
Shot some birds, and one attorney. (332)
If epitaphs were polygraphs,
This, terse and edifying,
Would crown the veep in final sleep:
Here lies Big Time–still lying. (334)
"Don’t blame me, I was drunk." (335)
There once was a man from Wyoming
Who liked a few shots in the morning
But when he got drunk, he went into a funk
And shot his old pal without warning. (336)
Dick’s thirst for blood was overwhelming
He was tired bombers doing all the shelling
So he grabbed a gun and drank beer from a can
And then shot in the face, a 78 year old man (337)
Dick was tired and needed a break
So he went down to Texas for some human steak
Shooting caged quail seemed kind of lame
Because Dick prefers The Most Dangerous Game (338)
Dick lowered the gun,
The barrel still warm.
"Now that’s what I call,
Tort reform." (339)
OMG I’ve been shot
And Deadeye Dick dunnit.
But its all my fault
Is the way that they spun it. (340)
Winged companion falls
Spray like plumes of cardinal
Quails fly free at dusk (341)
So I shot a guy and he might die,
I wasnt drinking; I wouldnt lie
I didnt mean it so you have to quit it
Stop calling this Cheney-Quiddick! (342)
No beer here
Just straight shootin’
Real high falutin’
Oops – that was Whittington! (343)
When a heart meets birdshot,
It loses the tussle.
So do what Dick did,
And remove that muscle. (344)
More silence …
Birdshot and lawyers never do mix
Add a little booze and you’re in an awful fix.
Gotta tell the press, nah let em wait
Might as well just have a drink and let em speculate. (346)
shotgun blast like a coulter ovation
then flee dick did, to undisclosed location
surrogates spun faster than a tasmanian devil –
while he flushed (as with truth) that blood aclohol level (347)
I shot the mouthpiece. ‘Cause he was standing where I could not see.
I shot the mouthpiece. And I did not tell the deputy.
I shot the mouthpiece. Now he may die because of my BB.
I shot the mouthpiece. I’ll just go cop a plea on Fox TV. (348)
I’m the Big Bad Dick and I got street cred
cause I shot my homey right in the head
I had a few beers but I ain’t no Rush
a dick in the hand is worth two in the tush (349)
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I, Big Dick, am one bad-ass veep,
And have old men to shoot and leave in a heap,
Then piles of pork chops before I sleep. (350)
Tame ducks and quail slaughtered
Like a plague at the zoo
Shotguns don’t shoot people
Vice President’s do (351)
Dick had an outdoor adventure,
Like Huck Finn or Tom Sawyer.
"The quail weren’t biting,
But I bagged me a lawyer!" (352)
"I’m Big Dick Cheney who the fuck are you
Satan wears a bracelet What Would Cheny Do" (353)
They needed a diversion
From the Plame affair
Dick pulled the trigger
He didn’t hit air (354)
There once was a vice president
Whose moral compass was bent
With beer in hand
He shot an old man
Then slept off the whole incident (355)
Come from behind him,
he’ll pepper and spray.
Give him a bottle,
he’ll spin it away. (356)
To the gills, hunts anyway.
Then claims, “shot happens.” (357)
Tragedy befalls Elmer
Bewitched by Bugs Bunny in Drag (358)
Say with absolute
certainty, something sinful
brews in time-lapse spin (359)
I’d win this contest,
I don’t doubt in the least.
If only they’d listen,
And rename it Dickfeast. (360)
Cheney, Cheney, pants on fire,
you shouldn’t have had that beer.
We’re asking for you to retire,
your shotgun and your sneer. (361)
Shooting Under the Influence
is not something to do.
For Cheney that’s a nuisance
as he comes after you. (362)
Shooter Cheney had some beer
and shot old Harry down.
He said don’t tell them with a sneer…
I’m the one wearing the crown. (363)
Canned quail. Too quickly
the bush stills, with guns so hot.
Flashback. Pull trigger. (364)
Two red faces: one bloody, peppered with shot,
The other just flushed due to drinking a lot.
"How best to fake sorrow? Wait! I know just the trick!
I’ll go on Fox News and have Brit Hume suck my dick!" (365)
Big Crime! (366)
See Dick drink
See Dick shoot
See friend fall
See Dick scoot (367)
Big Time, Packin’ Heat.
Packin’ Time. (368)
Cheney hides while Harry pays,
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
But Dick explained this big misstepper
The Lord never said Thou Shalt Not Pepper. (369)
Once a vp from wyoming
Went out shooting birds in the gloaming
Twas his friend that was shot and more likely than not
Twas the beer, not Dick’s mouth, that was foaming (371)
Cheney’s handy with a Gun,
To bad no one told Harry to Run.
Cheney’s sure to manage the story,
Now why would you ever worry? (372)
The wily Dick is too clever,
To leave a tell-tale genetic trace.
So take care when hunting,
not to catch his load full in the face. (373)
Birds and pellets fly
an old man, the sun, go down
darkness spreads like blood (374)
A hunting we will go,
sipping a red bordeaux.
Oops I shot ‘im…Not a problem.
Dickie runs the show. (375)
Once upon a hunt for quail
A guy named Dick had too much ale.
He shot ol’ Harry in the hide
And said, "Poor stiff. That’s classified." (376)
pack the tweezers
if bird hunting with geezers (377)
All death and no death makes Dick a dull boy.
All death and no death makes Dick a dull boy.
All death and no death makes Dick a dull boy.
All death and no death makes Dick a dull boy. (378)
There once was a Veep named Cheney,
Who fancied himself quite brainy,
He fell down a lot
and now they call him Cheney-a-quid-dick. (379)
Snarl, Sneer, Sneak, Leak
Spin, Spy, Lie, Cheat
Drink, Shoot, Maim, Smirk
Seethe, Kill, Yawn, Profit (380)
For the final time
No more lesbian daughter jokes.
Can you hear me now? (381)
What’s such a big deal?
Birdshot, merely a flesh wound.
Heart attack? Oh hell. (382)
Whether Senate floor
Or private ranch stocked with game
Go F yourself, punks (383)
Booze hound, age thirty?
My prez. Booze hound, age sixty?
No longer Vice-Prez. (384)
What was I thinking?
How can I dodge the blame now?
I miss you Scooter. (385)
I shot the Lawyer
Then ignored the Deputy
I got that Lawyer
Laid him out for all to see (386)
the rovian spin of the day
woe to all those who
get into his way (387)
cocked his gun.
and blew the face,
off Whittingon. (388)
When all-powerful dick
needs puff his colorful bag —
choosing caged birds and Alta Kuka —
shows him a Dickless Hag. (389)
Whose field this is, of course we know,
She’s sitting in the Hummer though.
She did not see me drop my beer
Or shoot him when I stubbed my toe. (390)
And you thought, regarding Ms. Valerie Plame,
It was Rove who first used the expression "Fair game"? (391)
It wasn’t the booze, it wasn’t the meds,
It wasn’t pure hatred that messed with his head.
To keep Harry from squealing, their "Brokeback" revealing,
Big Dick saw no choice but to shoot him instead. (392)
There once was a Dick from Wyoming,
Whose foul mouth was constantly foaming,
He gunned down a friend, so this is the end,
Of Dick’s extramarital roaming. (393)
Lager, whisky, gin, vermouth,
Republicans at play with truth;
Nothing says "I’m worth your vote"
Quite like a pellet in the throat. (394)
Maybe The Rapture or maybe a raptor
will take Dick away.
I hope for the bird ’cause The Rapture’s absurd.
Now, fly Dick, fly Dick, fly Dick,today. (395)
shot in the face
And you’re to blame
Harry, you give Dick a bad name. (396)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I shot my buddy
I can also shoot you. (397)
I picked his pocket, over beers, at lunch
A few beats my bum ticker skipped
Declared Old Harry’s license:
"Organ Donor" (398)
Beer, women and guns were in the mix,
As ‘ol Dicky got his kicks.
He took a shot, and downed a man,
And, then, just like from ‘Nam, he ran. (399)
"Duck!" cried Dick,
"As quick as you can!"
"Duck?" said Harry,
"I thought…" — BLAM! (400)
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(graphic by AvengingAngel.org)