Late Nite FDL: Dickfest Semifinals, Night 3
Things are really heating up in this, the third night of the Dickfest semifinals. I’ve been noticing that people have been taking choice lines and rhymes from the entries and posting them around the blogosphere, which is fabulous. These fine poems deserve to be read far and wide. They bring every bit of honor upon to the Veep that he lends to the office.
Hope everybody caught Bill Maher last night, who is providing our grand prize material — a copy of his book and a signed poster. So remember to vote by number and only once, the top three from each semifinal will move into the final round.
Said Dick to the rest of the crew,
I like hunting these peasants don’t you? And imagining the poor on his foyer, he spun round and bagged an old lawyer. (201)
Is that a bird or is that a face I see?
Why is it they look the same to me?
Lest I be accused of being a hesitator.
I’ll just shoot first and ask questions later. (202)
A manly man like Dick would surely
Not shoot his wad off prematurely. (203)
Cheney’s got a gun….
Cheney’s got a gun….
A long days’ just begun
Fox News is the place to run (204)
torture some brown ones
ain’t no disgrace
eat the farmed meat
shoot me some face (205)
And then forgot to tell the creep
That there’s a maxim one must keep:
Don’t ever, ever shoot the peop-le. (206)
Bushes are dumb,
Cheneys are sick,
But how could u shoot a poor man
you dumb Dick? (207)
Down in Dixie he had some Wiskey
quail in the bush, we may never know
Zocor, Plavix, Viox, coctail
Halliburton, Plame, WMD, Guantanamo
Remember the Alamo! (208)
Panderer, flatterer, hypocrite and a bad shot.
Satan and his architects are designing the new multi-story Cheney Ring, non-stop.
Lustful, wrathful, greedy and a glutton.
Big Time smiles as he finagles a no-bid contract in Hell for Halliburton. (209)
Dicklet, Prince of Texas
Behind the arras the old fool clucked.
The heir to the throne cried, "Now you’re fucked!"
Then, "Damn!" he said. "Tis not the king!"
To catch Dicklet’s conscience there is no thing. (210)
memo to Scooter:
you’re next. (212)
When Dickie starts to get all blood-lusted
Everyone knows he shouldn’t be trusted
When he looked over his shoulder he knew
Harry had been raised domestically, too (213)
Shotguns and lawyers, Prime Minister Cheney
My tiresome subjects shall never arraign me
For we framed and hung a girl’s blue dress
Done and burned Whit’s blood-stained vest (214)
go take a bath
in a tub well filled
with the blood you spilled (215)
Bird News Daily: From an undisclosed location
The lone survivor of a bird massacre,
Mr. Quail, with a beebee still in his heart
Leaks the identity of the responsible drunk to Judith Miller (216)
"Shot an old man in the face"?
I expressed myself rather forcefully,
felt better after I had done it. (217)
Tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie onward, into the public domain, rode the sick pundits
And was there a man dismayed? Though they knew Cheney had drunkenly blundered?
Their’s was not to make reply, their’s was not wonder why, their’s was but to spin and lie
About Plame or the shooting, they spin while Bush plunders (218)
A Texas quail hunt.
An errant shot, then silence.
Fuck Yourself, public. (219)
Quail hunt, Harry shot.
Tell no one. Say not a word.
Good to be vice-King. (220)
Cheney shoots. Man down.
Drinking? Timeline? Cover up?
Ask, and you’re "loony." (221)
Darth. Go Fuck Yourself. Shooter.
Penguin. Big Time. Dick. (222)
sane, he? (223)
that man is like a god,
or as near to one as any republican can say;
that man, who blames you for standing in the way,
when he shoots at the setting sun. (224)
He who shoots and hides away
Lives to kill another day
My dick, my gun, the bombs that I control,
but who is left for me to fight? They run and hide in holes.
Let it be known that I have just begun,
to fuck, to shoot, to bomb to kingdom come. (226)
Hickory dickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
Dick Cheney shot a man in the face. (227)
i know why the caged bird sings.
the shot was sprayed another way,
she lives to sing another day. (228)
Blood like a fountain
A tragedy here
at BrokeDick Mountain (229)
A Friends Face Shootin
Americans I’m Screwin
Iraqs in Ruins
I’m Dick Cheney, Bitch (230)
Hail the Quail set free
Feathers fly a bird dies
Then drunk in bloody bath
Make a pack of lies (231)
North, South, East, & West
Points his gun at all of US
Dick shoots himself best. (232)
Sunny, with darkness encroaching
Quoth the rancher regarding that day
Dick’s aim was the last flushed-out covey
He said Harry just got in the way. (233)
All Dick, no balls (234)
pheasants and quail and bob-o-link too
hope for a season
to hunt just you (235)
said dick to his secret security: "More beer! It’s only 1:30!"
quail, duck or pheasant, our veep twas ne’er hesitant,
"Shit! Waddaya mean it’s not the season on peasants?"
..dying democracy just isn’t purdy. (236)
Stop the car!
Grab my gun!
Manly fun. (237)
They came from Wyoming and Texas, addicted to power and drink;
They bullied and lied, they tortured and spied till most folks were too scared to blink;
But when Scowl shot a hunter he thought was a bird and Swag let New Orleans drown,
Folks finally saw what these guys really were: a crusty old coot and a clown. (238)
If you can point your gun where wise men wouldn’t
And shoot before you’ve noticed everyone,
You’ll do a thing that all men know you shouldn’t,
And, which is more, you’ll be a dick, my son. (239)
Go fuck yourself
You sad old prick
Methinks your name
Is your only dick. (240)
While looking for birds
Big Dick he gave chase
But he shot one old lawyer
right in the face! (241)
Got an orange vest and a twenty eight,
I’m a quail hunter, I look great,
A great quail hunter, bird of prey,
Go ahead Harry, make my day. (242)
I am the mighty Dick- the Dick who rules all Dicks.
No Dick shall be placed before me.
He who dares to step into the Dicks path.
Will feel the fury of his mighty rod! (243)
Not the Biggest Donor
That We ever had
So shot him down in Texas
Out west of Baghdad (244)
So I shot a quail in Texas
Just to watch it die
but I bagged a Texas Lawyer
’cause I was H.U.I. (245)
He wondered if his shot did miss
As he was ogleing the Swiss
Did the V-P’s conscience him did prick,
as it noted "I think you’ve got a Harry, Dick"? (246)
How will the Dick survive
Shot an old man who refused to die
Hoping the world swallows one more lie
How will the Dick survive (247)
You shot Harry in the face
A bloody gaffe, I’m thinking
"The lies! The shills, What political thrills!"
But Dick, are you still drinking? (248)
That fearsome hunt- oh, be certain
Shall never be forgot!
For Whittington’s chest and face are hurtin’,
After Dick took aim and shot. (249)
Fuck Ari, Peggy, Marlin
and cocksucking, pussyeatin’ prankstas
got Matalin & my homeys @ Fox,
DAMN, it feels good t/b a gangsta (250)
Big Time’s gotta gun,
now everybody swallow,
Brit’s soft balls soon to follow (251)
An arrogant V. P. by the name of Cheney,
Shot a lawyer friend with an excuse quite lamey.
The only good that might ensue?
Is if the country wakes up and gives THIS tricky dicky his due. (252)
Little lead pellets
Fly to man-bird
I had a bad day (253)
There once was a Veep from Halliburton
Who knew that his poll numbers were hurtin
As he turned on the shooter,he thought he saw Scooter
And prayed Plamegate was buried for certain. (254)
I couldn’t find the weapons, or muzzle our secret spying
I couldn’t pass my torture bill, and not from lack of trying
I couldn’t drill in ANWR or keep Scooter out of jail
So I’ll be damned if Harry’s face was gonna keep me from my quail. (255)
"Just an accident," you say
In hopes that it will go away
The newsman says it’s all ok
We are being lied to (256)
1 part Whittington
1 part Jack Daniels
Pepper lightly (257)
‘Neath the brambles and the waning Texas sun
Lies a corporate lawyer whose blood does run
Red state of affairs, beer, affairs of the heart,
Caged coveys of Truth sing Bunker Boy’s depart. (258)
When Bill Clinton lied about shooting someone in the face, he was impeached. Doesn’t Dick Cheney deserve the same treatment? (259)
I don’t know who you think you are
You sure don’t know your place
Quit questioning Dick Cheney or
He’ll shoot you in the face (260)
Although it is your
it won’t do Dick for
birdshot face (261)
When hunting fowl with Big Time Dick,
One rule to remember should do the trick:
Accept your place as quail or duck on his shelf,
Take one in the face or go fuck yourself! (262)
Well, listen to my story bout a man named Dick
Though a chickenhawk he was, on the trigger he was quick
Then one day he was shooting for some quail
And out from the bush, there came a mighty wail. (263)
Come clean with the country he theoretically serves?
Notify the proper authorities?
When self-interest meets duty you can count on Big Dick
To always have other priorities. (264)
How so many got it wrong
Is the real mystery here
Cheney didn’t miss the bird
It’s called tort reform (265)
Our man Cheney,
Maybe not so brainy?
Got muddled on ale,
Mistook lawyer for quail.(266)
With a nod to the left, or a nod to the right
’bout the shootin’ in the night (267)
(i do not know what it is about this story
that does not fit; only something in me understands
the account is deeper than all bullshit)
nobody, not even the veep, has such a big gun (268)
Oh, Big Time…
what have you done?
You have failed the party,
by leaving witnesses. (269)
There once was a veepster named Dick
First thought that his blast left a nick
Kept coppers away, For nearly a day
Republican Chappaquidick! (270)
Drunky McShootster grabbed him a gun,
"Drinkin’ and shootin’ sure is fun!
But these damn quail take too much of a chase,"
So he shot an old man in the heart and the face. (271)
If theshooter was lit
you must not acquit (272)
My ambassador girlfriend, a rifle, some beer
Ingredients for a fun day
Gonna bag me a bird (good thing Lynne isn’t here)
But then Whittington gets in the way (273)
I shot the attorney. ‘Cause he was standing where I could not see.
I shot the attorney. And I did not tell the deputy.
I shot the attorney. Now he may die because of my BB.
I shot the attorney. I’ll just go cop a plea on Fox TV. (274)
Little Dick-uns’ Iraq…the canned hunt
Yet he would say he’s sorry boys, and promise us to pray,
For everyone who’s been undone, in their long years–or in their flower;
But does he then call on those whose debts he knows do fear the light of day,
And within the halls of justice, contrive to keep his power? (275)
One night while I was hunting quail
The beer in me was getting stale
No matter, says I , I can always find
A hunting partner and blow his mind (276)
The lawyer, though peppered, has the finest of care
The rich shooter’s safe in his rarified air
A poor circus for fools who watch and ignore
The lives being lost in a cruel unjust war. (277)
is it just me
or does anyone else see
that Iraq will now be
Cheney’s insanity plea? (278)
I’m 78, white and male
I don’t look a damn thing like a quail
My name is Harry Whittington
And I got a ride on Crashcart 1 (288)
Did Dick Cheney just…
Blast a Senior Citizen
with a Big Shotgun? (289)
All this talk of the ill-chosen quarry
does obscure a real news story,
our cardiac kid, the second in line
scarfing down barbeque as if his heart were fine! (290)
Oh Dick you tragic prick
we always knew you’re just a hick.
Thanks to your huntin ‘slip’
we may yet be free of your evil grip. (291)
His was a preemptive strike
To overthrow a vicious coo
No doubt who has the biggest Dick
America, its you (292)
Cheney was out on the firing line
Killing birds n’ feelin’ fine
Old Harry wasn’t shot cuz he made no sound,
He was shot cuz the meadow kept spinnin’ around. (293)
Cheney shot an old man down
But his pals do own that town
Of no investigation did we hear
Cheney – "It was just one beer!" (294)
Harry and Dick went up the hill, To shoot a flock of birdies
Dick shot Harry
And was dining by 6:30 (295)
Roses are picked
Violets are plucked
I’m Dick Cheney
You can get F***ed (296)
He drank he shot he hit, then hid and lied and stalled,
He was much to busy for the nice deputy who called.
For the chumps, the marks, the drones, that would be a day they’d rue,
But he is so rich, and great and good, so honorable, he can say “f*ck you.” (297)
He shot him in the face
He doesn’t need a warrant
All for the sake of their base
Isn’t it abhorrhent? (298)
They say the coverup’s worse that the crime
Sorry fellas not this time
You talkin bout dead-eye Dick’s drunken aim?
No, he outed Valerie Plame (299)
Cheney shot Harry. Harry ain’t dead.
The truth in this tale ain’t been said.
The life in this story, that Dick can’t throttle,
Is how far down was he in that bottle? (300)
Thanks to all the people who devoted their time and poetic talents to this contest. And remember, as long as there is Republican rock, you are all winners.
(graphic by Jose G.)