CommunityFDL Main Blog

Late Nite FDL: Dick Cheney, Armed & Hammered

bush and cheney as Gilligan and The Skipper- DarkBlackLast night’s Dickfest was such a success we’re going to have to do this in a series of heats, we just can’t put them all up at once and do them justice. Here are the first round of contestants and their poetic odes to our esteemed Veep. Please vote ONLY ONCE in the comments and only vote for one entry by number (listed at the bottom of each).

We’ll have another round tomorrow night — top three from each night will move into the finals. We boast some gifted poets in our midst, so enjoy:

errant brrr turned right
blaze of orange, sun, hillside,
bloody “Jeez, you fuck!” (1)

the veep was holding
the right flank of the line
noise….breathe…ready..fire.aim (2)

winter hunters move
women flank the wise master
he then shows them how (3)

caged birds cringe at dusk
waiting for the explosion
shouts, sirens, relief (4)

empty bottles bump
door slams as big man moves fast
empty shells fall hollow(5)

trigger snap sends peppering
two hearts snap as one briefly as sounds ring, fade
silencer now inserted (6)

heart, face, blood, ardor,
we bring the world here now
and the hunt evolves (7)

the veep was holding
the right flank of the line
noise….breathe…ready..fire.aim (9)

winter hunters move
women flank the wise master
he then shows them how (10)

caged birds cringe at dusk
waiting for the explosion
shouts, sirens, relief

empty bottles bump
door slams as big man moves fast
empty shells fall hollow

trigger snap sends peppering
two hearts snap as one briefly as sounds ring, fade
silencer now inserted

heart, face, blood, ardor,
we bring the world here now
and the hunt evolves

Whittington is red
My blood is blue
I’ll do what I damn please….
Fuck you! (11)

Arrogant VP
Shot an old man in the heart
Only had one beer? (12)

Alas poor Dick,
I knew him well.
He sends young soldiers to die. With luck he’ll rot in hell. (13)

I am Deadeye Dick
I am the real president
classified be damned (14)

My Time is Now
Don’t Fuck With Me
I am Big DICK Cheney
or I’ll Blow You Away (15)

Where quails are shaking/
The aspen are quaking (16)

Harry was my pal
Sure, I shot him in the face
It was Harry’s fault (17)

Why pepper with birdshot
When the warm embrace of
A smothering pillow or an
Unplugged cord, will do? (18)

Why pepper with birdshot
When the warm embrace of
A smothering pillow or an
Unplugged cord, will do? (19)

We’re in Texas now
I can drink and shoot a guy
Cops will never tell (20)

Richard B. Cheney
Doesn’t hunt when it’s rainy;
Eschewing dampened quarry,
He fires his shotgun into the chest of a 78-year old named Harry. (21)

Deadeye Dick’s order is: "Ready, shoot, fire, aim."
Matalin says Harry’s the name on which we must blame.
Bush thinks that shotgunning a grouse is like killing a spouse.
Roves’ greatest assassination was Plame. (22)

The lovely landscape of Texas wealth,
The relaxed stalk of priveleged stealth,
Much time to quaff, no time to aim,
But eons to spin about who I maim (23)

Quail. Yes, quail
that bird that doesn’t fly well.
Shoot.Yes, shoot
Damn, he hadn’t been in the cell. (24)

I stalked my prey at a slow pace,
and I shot a 78-year-old-man in the face.

Everybody wants to blame me,
but I tell them, "Hey! I’m Dick Cheney!" (25)

SAT Analogy for the High Schoolers:

Salt : Injury :: Pepper : _______
Answer: Shooting a 78-year old man in the face (26)

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Dick Cheney shot a man in the face. (27)

Guns Don’t Shoot 78-year old Men in the Face,
Dick Cheney does. (28)

What’s your name?
I’m Dicky the clown.
Ask me again and
I’ll shoot you down! (29)

Just One Beer
Ah, that’s better
Everything’s so clear
…. And that’s a feather (30)

Coalition of the Shooting a 78-year Old Man in the Face (31)

Lesbian daughter
left us humiliated
shooting not as bad. (32)

Two hundred birdshot
lodged throughout an old lawyer
What’s the chance they’ll move?(33)

Dr. Pepper nose
didn’t go with antelope
only booze would do.(34)

Swiss ambassador
engorged my dangly manparts
safety forgotten. (35)

Dick Cheney Determined to Attack in the U.S. (36)

Cheney shot
Then ran away
A Chickenhawk
He couldn’t stay (37)

Deep in Texas scrub;
venal men play bloody games.
A great nation falls. (38)

Roses Are Red
Violets are Blue
Dick Cheney shoots old men
Instead of birds with the flu. (39)

Cheney’s got a gun,
His whole world’s come undone (40)

There was a big Dick from Wyoming
Who hunted for quail in the gloaming.
His last shot went wide and his friend almost died,
Which isn’t considered quite sporting. (41)

Cheney’s hunting misadventure
Nearly led to moidah
As it is, what we enjoy
Is merely shotgunfreude (42)

Ask not
what your country
can do for you…
BLAM!!! (43)

I’m a little veep-pot
this is my spout
go hunting with me
and I’ll blow your brains out! (44)

Birdshot to the face
Our Veep shoots an acquaintance
Why is this not news? (45)

There once was a VP named Dick
Who was a notorious prick
But his friends let him carry
And down went old Harry (46)

Harry, Harry, Dignitary
Tell us your huntin’ woes
‘Bout farm-bred quails and frosty ales
And Dick’s buckshot up your nose. (47)

He’s always hiding, and not law-abiding,
but tricky Dick is in it pretty thick.
He peppered his friend and wants to pretend,
that he thought him a quail, but to no avail. (48)

Dick Cheney was loaded for bear,
But only his buddy was there;
A blast to the face, a potential disgrace–
But FoxNews is both balanced and fair. (49)

The Veep peppered Old Whittington, cried Alice,
After sloshing his beer from a chalice,
They found the lawyers Angina in South Carolina,
And part of his anus in Dallas. (50)

hume says veep
was just responding
to quail-hunting program
related activities (51)

I’m Dick Cheney
See me sneer
I’ve got a gun
Now toss me that beer (52)

the vice commander was not
loaded, half-cocked and shot.
the quail had a clue
too bad that Harry did not. (53)

Cheney was back from a weekend hunt,
Having committed a crime.
Bush asked, "Dick, did you hit anything?"
Cheney replied, "Yup. Big Tme." (54)

February is the cruelest hunt,
Freeping Pamela out of the wed hand,
Mixing Cheney and beer’d fire,
Blurring old coots with wing’d game. (55)

Venal Dick Cheney, didn’t abstain — he
Got paranoid, pissed off and drunk.
When the war was less fun, he pulled out his gun,
And shot an old man like a skunk. (56)

He cradled his power as he lurched to the brush,
his ailing heart pounding, blood and alcohol arush.
Then an instant of motion, an explosion, no words….
and the quail laugh last at the King of all Turds. (57)

Some Lone Star brew and a Scotch or two in the glow of the dying sun . . .
Showing my girl I’m a man of the world with my fast Italian gun . . .
With a wet kiss from my Swiss Miss, and her hands upon my tush . . .
Then I shot some guy. But I’ll tell you why — all I saw was Bush. (58)

don’t ask.
don’t tell.
harry’s shot?
oh, well. (59)

dick shot harry in the heart
does that make him cupid?
four days to get his story straight
no, it makes him stupid. (60)

Shall I compare thee to a flushing quail?
Thou art more orange and sport not a feather on thy head
Yet my drunken wits are rarely known to fail
So stand ye still, and I shall try to shoot thee dead. (61)

Harry Whittington, what a great guy
That’s what his friends all say
But Deadeye Cheney sorta went crazy
And blew poor old Harry away (62)

February is the cruelest hunt,
Freeping P.P. Willeford out of the wed hand,
Mixing Cheney and beer’d fire,
Blurring old coots with wing’d game. (63)

Harry’s shot, not sprayed or peppered
Dick’s thought: "I’ll have one shaken,
Not stirred." (64)

There once was a lass named Pam Willeford
Whose affections to Lynne’s I prefer
But I went off half cocked, some old coot got rocked
And instead of tapping ass I shot a barrister (65)

Cheney shot him in the face
And FOX insists it’s no disgrace (66)

With or without a gun in his hand,
The Veep is the most dangerous man in this land.
But the world wonders what the hell he is thinking,
When he shoots birds and old lawyers while drinking." (67)

Dead-Eye Dick is his name
He shot a lawyer in the face
Ruining America’s image is his game
Cause this isn’t even his 2nd biggest disgrace (68)

Cheney shot an austin lawyer with a 28 gauge
Now his street cred is through the roof
Then he surprised and admitted to shooting Tupac
Even though there was no proof (69)

Cheney shot an austin lawyer with a 28 gauge
Now his street cred is through the roof
Then he surprised and admitted to shooting Tupac
Even though there was no proof (70)

Vice was gunning for young quail
but he just peppered an old bird (71)

In the bursh, Dick tossed his tenth emptied can,
Then on the trigger, a finger wet with condensation on his hand,
Wheel’d round and "Blammo!" Harry’s face full of ammo,
He’d be in jail right now, if he was poor and mexican. (72)

I’m commander in chief
and Harry is a thief
Stealing my kill
Sent me over the hill (73)

Two old boys in the settin sun
one said "Dick"
and the other went "Bam" (74)

See
Dick
shoot?
Nope. (75)

When Jane and Redd challenged the doggies
To find poesy ‘mongst horrors most lame,
The FDL bards outdid all of the bloggies
And howled through the night, but where’s Plame? (76)

Na Na Na Na Naaa
We get away with murder
NaNa Na Na Naaa (77)

There once was a veep named Cheney, whose breaking of laws were many
when hunting some quail
his judgement did fail
but his aim was still quite uncanny (78)

see dick.
see dick shoot.
see america going to hell in a handbasket.
they don’t call him dick for nuttin.(79)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Blam! (80)

Two hundred BB’s
split second karma soft flesh
a tower crumbles (81)

If he had a snort, the cops must report. (82)

The sun was low
The ground was red
The spin exploded
The facts all fled (83)

Now this is a short hunting tale
of Dick and the mighty quail.
Halfcocked but he could not fail
to safe face; there, beyond the pale. (84)

If Dick had a beer, the shooting was queer (88)

I’ve got Billy Idol’s lip in reverse,
My gay daughter is kind of a curse,
So come hunting with me, there’s a spot now that’s free,
The last one went home in a hearse. (89)

Liquored up real good
Blasting birdies to pieces
Harry made me miss (90)

You taught me how to hunt, and so I mentored my son.
You saw God in the hunt but never convinced me.
You said “Texans respect the hunt, son, they do.”
You felt weird about all that near the end, though. (91)

So stalks the stealthy hunter in the field.
Tip-toed, quietly he marks his prey
and fires but the consequence is dire –
a bloodied lawyer lies in place of Quaile. (92)

Dirty Dick
Didn’t make Harry’s day
When Harry met salvo
Down Texas way (94)

The truth could not be blunter
Blame the victim, not the hunter
Drink, then shoot a friend in the face
Darth Cheney you’re a national disgrace (95)

Satan wears a bracelet What Would Cheny Do (96)

Now this is a short hunting tale
of Dick and the mighty quail.
Halfcocked but he could not fail
to save face; there, beyond the pale. (97)

Four score and seven beers ago…
BLAM!!! (98)

Conscripted victims
Parade their blood before me,
A numb heart devoid (99)

OK, you say you’re calm, just don’t pull a Cheney… (100)

In Ciro news, Cuellar sure loves him some Bush. And MoveOn jumped in to support Ciro, he’s certainly gaining momentum. You can contribute to the boot the DINOS from the Democratic Party movement here

(graphic by Dark Black)

Previous post

Next post

The Scottbot hit Ctl-Alt-Del

Jane Hamsher

Jane Hamsher

Jane is the founder of Firedoglake.com. Her work has also appeared on the Huffington Post, Alternet and The American Prospect. She’s the author of the best selling book Killer Instinct and has produced such films Natural Born Killers and Permanent Midnight. She lives in Washington DC.
Subscribe in a reader