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A Modest Survey: Fifty Questions For Compassionate Christian Conservatives

With all the brouhaha over the Coretta Scott King funeral, I get the nagging feeling we all may be ignoring more important issues. It’s become so obvious that we “lefties” have fallen very out of touch with mainstream America.

So, in the interest of honest inquiry and tolerance for dissenting views, we owe it to ourselves as “lefties” to learn from our morally superior brothers and sisters on the right side of the aisle (why do you think they call it “right”, anyway?).

We have so much to learn, and so little time before the Rapture comes and condemns us to a thousand-year reign of hell on earth. I propose we all take the opportunity to educate ourselves by asking our friends to complete A Modest Survey: Fifty Questions for Compassionate Christian Conservatives.

1. If the president admits to breaking the 1978 FISA Law in order to spy illegally on American citizens and the president pledges to stay vigilant in the pursuit of lawbreakers, does he have to run endless laps around a circular jogging track?

2. Since the president has absolute power to do anything he chooses when he declares a war on nouns, was it more irresponsible of Richard Nixon to not just shoot all the drug users when he declared War on Drugs, or was it more irresponsible of Lyndon Johnson to not just imprison the poor when he declared War on Poverty?

3. If the majority leader of a party is indicted for ethics issues involving an indicted lobbyist, and is then given a chairmanship on the very subcommittee that oversees the Justice Department that is investigating that lobbyist, is it proper to call him “Mr. Chairman” or “Congressman”?

4. Assuming we need to get tough militarily with Iran, what will you be doing to personally convince more poor people to enlist for the military?

5. Is our national deficit in danger of creating a drastic shortage of commas and zeroes?

6. How much body armor can you buy for the cost of an Alaskan bridge?

7. Does a person specifically have to have judged Arabian horses to be qualified to run FEMA, or will any breed of horse be sufficient?

8. Now that the election is over, is okay with you that the senior senator from Arizona fathered an illegitimate black baby?

9. How many voting machines in poor minority districts are “too many”?

10. If a president gets oral sex from an intern in the Oval Office, does that negate his authority to imprison people indefinitely without charges, communication, or counsel?

11. If Dan Rather receives fake documents claiming Col. Jack Killian sought uranium from Niger, can the newsman break into the Colonel’s house?

12. Just because we vote alongside Iran against gay rights in the UN, does that mean we can’t invade them later?

13. Who would Jesus subject to interrogation techniques not approximating the pain of imminent organ failure?

14. If you lose your Visa Check Card in Iraq and someone rings up $8.8 billion in charges, will they hold you liable for the loss?

15. How many covert secret agents working on counterproliferation of WMDs do you have to “out” in order to truly keep America safe?

16. When you’re trying to draw terrorists out of their holes, is it more effective to lure them to unguarded ports and unchecked airline cargo holds, or would it be better pull Al Gore and Ray Charles out of line at airport security?

17. If Congress gives you authorization to use all necessary military force to protect America in a time of war, are you allowed to use more electronic surveillance than George Washington did?

18. When a major national disaster hits a Gulf Coast city, are you allowed to take a mulligan on the 18th hole?

19. How much harder should we make it for seniors to get their Medicare prescription drugs in order to convince them to let us privatize Social Security?

20. Considering the epidemic of overgrown brush taking over our country’s critterless Texas ranches, shouldn’t we just do away with Presidential Daily Briefs altogether?

21. When the people whose country you invade shower you with roses, can you deduct the cost of vases from your taxes?

22. Since Shaquille O’Neal is the best slam dunker in the NBA, shouldn’t he get a Presidential Medal of Freedom, too?

23. In light of the incredible success in Afghanistan, shouldn’t we do something similar domestically by letting heroin gangs control our local politics?

24. If four jumbo jets make U-turns over American airspace, how long should we wait before shooting down Payne Stewart’s plane?

25. In order to combat the rising worldwide cost of children’s shoes, how can we convince the other nations of the world to oppose a land mine ban treaty?

26. How far away from the president should a “free speech zone” be to best ensure we fully recognize the right of the people to peaceable assemble and petition their government for a redress of grievances with smoke signals?

27. After you exchange many personal letters and on multiple occasions borrow the corporate jet of someone you barely know and can’t remember, is it appropriate to write “To Whom It May Concern” on the thank you card?

28. How many baseball players have to testify under oath before the Senate in order to get to the bottom of wiretapping scandals, oil price gouging, and the events of 9/11?

29. How many times do you have to say “Bring it on” before they really start to bring it on?

30. Once we permanently prevent gays from getting married, will it be longer or shorter than a decade before heterosexual divorce disappears altogether?

31. Considering how dangerous cheap Canadian prescription drugs are, shouldn’t we be addressing the menace that is Canadian bacon?

32. Why aren’t we utilizing the incredible video diagnosis skills of Dr. Bill Frist to help some of our wounded soldiers? Is it the satellite feed time delay that’s causing problems?

33. When are we going to Mars already? That’s got to be where Saddam hid the WMDs!

34. Now that religious pharmacists don’t have to dispense birth control, do recovering alcoholic priests have to offer the sacrament?

35. When you attend a soldier’s funeral, how far away should the president and vice president remain to avoid the bullets falling from the sky from the 21-gun salute?

36. Now that no children are left behind, how long before we crack the top 25 in math & science in the world?

37. Once we finally get the Ten Commandments in all of our courthouses, what should be the mandatory minimum sentence for worshipping graven images or dishonoring your mother and father?

38. Soon enough abortion will be illegal, so what is a fair rate for an attorney to charge to defend a miscarriage?

39. How many more tax cuts should we give the super rich to ensure we have enough tax money for all the faith-based organizations?

40. Since we know abstinence education will eliminate teenage premarital sex, should I sell my shares in Trojan?

41. How much do we have to cut in Student Loan funding to make the GI Bill great again?

42. Why do people keep talking about Darfur as if there was oil there?

43. Now that we’ve completely debunked the global warming myth, how can we transform our energies into making polar bears better swimmers?

44. Now that school boards are recognizing the science of Intelligent Design, can we just replace mathematics with readings from the book of Numbers?

45. If Nancy Reagan came down with Alzheimer’s disease, would it be enough for her to forget about supporting the murder of womb babies for medical research?

46. Which democratically-elected leader of an oil-rich South American co
untry would Jesus assassinate?

47. If the president of the NAACP or the chair of the Congressional Black Caucus should die, does the president have to meet with the rest of the members while he attends the funeral?

48. If we don’t pass tort reform soon, how many other little girls will scramble to have their large intestines sucked out through their anus by a hot tub drain in the pursuit of a big payday?

49. If there is too much mercury in the fish on your pregnant wife’s plate, can you at least use the fish to take her basal temperature?

(OK, c’mon Russ, we’re almost home. Just one more question you’re dying to ask Compassionate Christian Conservatives…)

50. WHERE’S OSAMA?

(Sorry. I’ve got no joke for that one. Feel free to begin the next fifty questions in the comments.)

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