Masturbators, Mexicans, and Sluts. Oh My!

Via the Kenosha Kid (And go stop by and show him a little love…just not the kind of love we’re going to be talking about later. Ick) we see that Debbie Schlussel (blond, crazy, repository of America’s collagen reserves…that Debbie Schlussel) is deeply offended by something else…and it has nothing to do with jews and muslims! Or even thieving American Indians who stole this country from the Schlusselonians. Imagine that.

It’s a movie by “Al Gore’s roommate” whom you may know as Tommy Lee Jones, and it is obvious that Jones specifically made this movie to upset the teetering applecart that passes for Ms. Schlussel’s world.

The horror, the horror:

“Three Burials” began in limited release around the country, beginning last Friday. It is shown mostly in arthouse movie theaters.

But the damage is big. And the view of Americans is warped.

Jones plays ranch hand Pete Perkins, whose employee and friend, Melquiades Estrada, is a kind, gentle illegal alien from Mexico. He’s only here to get some work and make money for his family, whom he hasn’t seen in years. Estrada is so nice he even gifts his horse to Perkins and tells him he wants to be buried back in Mexico.

When we first see Estrada, he is a dead body being eaten by Coyotes. Border Patrol Agents and a local sheriff, played by Dwight Yoakam, don’t give a damn about him. Because he’s illegal, they don’t treat him like a human being. In real life, authorities in border towns know it’s the exact opposite.

Then we meet Border Patrol Agent Mike Norton. He’s a thug (and he works for the INS–someone forgot to send Tommy Lee Jones the memo: there is no longer an INS and hasn’t been since 2003). We get to see multiple scenes of him having sex in his Border Patrol uniform–both with his wife . . . and with himself while on the job.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt must have paid big bucks to Jones for product placement in “Three Burials”. His sleazy magazine has a starring role. We see Agent Norton with Hustler more than we see him with his wife, and that’s by design.

Agent Norton is shown on a secluded area of the border desert, in his Border Patrol uniform, masturbating to Hustler instead of watching for illegals. Melquiades Estrada commits the crime of disturbing Agent Norton’s pleasure session. Norton sees Estrada from a distance tending to his horse and kills him in cold blood.

I’m sure Tommy Lee Jones didn’t really mean to portray the Border Patrol this way. It was just an accident.

Is it just me or is Debbie a wee bit touchy about masturbation? Or is this something she is going to touch on (pun intended) when she gives her talk at The Intelligence Summit? “Barbarians at the Gate – Jerkoffs In The Towers“. Maybe Jones stumbled onto her notes and stole her thunder. And a mighty thunder it is:

The trip to Mexico is almost the entire second half of the movie. And it, too, is filled with Jones’ “unique” moving-picture commentary on the Border Patrol.

In case you were thinking that this was one of those dogma 95 “slideshow” movies that are all the rage these days.

Anyway Debbie goes on and on about the movie and the masturbating and the Mexicans and (you really have to read it) then, horror of horrors, we learn:

This disgusting, anti-American movie is also known as “Les Trois Enterrements de Melchades Estrada” in France, where–surprise, surprise–it was a huge hit and won big at last year’s Cannes Film Festival, where it won “Best Screenplay” and Jones won “Best Actor”. Also not surprising, mainstream film critics all over America, including Roger Ebert, just loved “Three Burials.”

That just tears it. A French title? To quote the great American philosopher Steve Martin, it’s like they have a different word for everything in France.

But don’t tell Debbie.

And definitely don’t mention that nachos at the snack bar or we’ll have to use an elephant dart on her.

Nobody wants to see that…

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