OK, I’m new to this live blogging thing, but here goes. Bush’s quotes are paraphrased, because even I can’t type that fast.

1) Decided not to play the “take a shot every time he says ‘terror'”. Only have three half-full quarts of liquor, so I probably wouldn’t make it.

2) Two minutes, forty-five seconds. Who had 2:45 in the “time elapsed before first mention of ‘September the 11th, 2001’?”

3) “Just because we have a system of two parties and two elected branches of government,” (for now, anyway,) “means that we may have disagreements on issues, but we can still discuss these issues with respect for each other.” Like, for example, comparing Michael Moore to Osama bin Laden, or issuing Cheney-esque condemnations of those who criticize war policy as giving aid to the enemy.

4) “We must stand behind our military in this vital mission.” Because ‘standing behind’ doesn’t really cost anything, unlike providing body armor.

5) “The United States supports broader democratic reforms in the Middle East. The leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, and work for lasting peace.” Uh-huh. That must’ve been the Hamas campaign slogan that got them 70+% of the vote, right?

6) “The Iranian gov’t is attempting to reconstitute its nuclear program… the world must not allow them to gain nuclear weapons…” Because only nuclear-powered nations can be certain that the United States won’t invade and overthrow a gov’t it doesn’t like (see: North Korea).

7) Did he really just talk about making strides in fighting AIDS worldwide… with a straight goddamned face???

8) “The enemy can still strike us!” Boo! Osama’s gonna git ya!

9) “Reauthorize the PATRIOT ACT. Law enforcement deserves the same tools we use to fight drug dealers and organized crime.”

10) Another “September the 11th”. Ooh, now he’s defending the domestic spying, saying the Constitution and statute gives him the right. Other presidents have done it, too. Federal courts let ’em do it. Appropriate members of Congress have been told. If Americans are talking to al Qaeda, we want to know, because we won’t sit back and wait to be hit again. Two 9/11 hijackers were talking to Americans, but we couldn’t tap ’em, so we didn’t know what they were up to. I’m gonna spy on whoever I want to, whenever I want to, and if you don’t let me, you’re gonna get blowed up! (OK, I must’ve misheard that last part…)

11) “Freedom is on the march!” “No isolationism.” Because invading sovereign nations of no threat to us on faulty intelligence is exactly the scenario Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, & Reagan had to deal with. “Presidents of both parties are going to have to fight this long long looonnnggg war.”

12) “Four years of uninterrupted economic growth, because I gave people tax relief… make them permanent!” Hey everybody, how’s that economic growth treatin’ ya? Are you better off today than you were five years ago? Did you buy a new DVD player with your tax cut?

13) I can’t even muster the sarcasm necessary to savage his bloviation on reducing the size of gov’t, cutting back spending, and reducing the deficit. I’m only human.

14) “Pass the line-item veto!” Because this unitary executive doesn’t have quite enough unchecked power. Sure, Alito will let him interpret any law he signs any way he wants, but he needs to also be able to edit those bills line by line.

15) HA HA HA!!! Democrats cheering for Bush not passing his Social Security “reforms”.

16) Here comes the immigration stuff… wait for it… Must have humane temporary guest worker program… OK, GOP, now, stand up and cheer! Hello? Hello?

17) We must have affordable healthcare for the poor and the elderly, and we are meeting that responsibility. (Even the gallery could hardly stifle the guffaws on that one.)

18) OB/GYNs are having trouble spreading their love to women… so pass medical liability reform this year.

19) AMERICA IS ADDICTED TO OIL. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. You can be certain that this Texas oilman, my oilman vice president, my Exxon supertanker, er, Secretary of State, and my entire oil soaked administration will do everything possible to break our addiction to oil, including drilling in ANWR, digging up more coal, and a bunch of other things that won’t come to fruition until long after we’re gone and have built up way more profits than we could possibly spend in sixteen generations.

20) We want to lead in talent, so we’ll promote more research programs in sciences and education in the sciences. Except, of course, anything that has anything to do with an embryo. We need more kids to be taught in hard math and science and advanced placement in math and science, and bring in more professionals in math and science. Just as long as they don’t tell the kids they descended from a common primate ancestor and that they remember that Genesis is the foundation of cosmology.

21) “A life of personal responsibility”? Paging Lt. Bush, Alabama Nat’l Guard…

22) “Worried about activist courts redefining marriage, worried about judges legislating from the bench, worried about citizens still recovering from disaster…”

23) “Human life is a gift from our Creator, and should never be discarded, manipulated, or put up for sale.” So I’m immediately closing all of the fertility clinics nationwide. If our Creator wanted to give you the gift of life, He wouldn’t have built you with a barren womb.

24) “Public officials should be worthy of public responsibility, I welcome reform efforts…” Oh, yeah, BIG round of applause for that one.

25) Laura Bush is going to reach out and rescue the wayward youth of America. Because when it comes to understanding the problems of a poor illiterate black kid plagued by gang violence and a drug-addicted mother, the first mentor you think of is Laura Bush. Maybe she’ll teach them how to get away with juvenile vehicular manslaughter.

26) “We are engaged in a global ideological conflict we did nothing to invite.” Nope, nothing at all. Just sittin’ here, minding our own business, supporting brutal Middle Eastern dictatorships, invading sovereign nations, torturing our prisoners of war, placing our military bases on Muslim holy land, blindly supporting Israel’s treatment of Palestinians, killing millions through economic sanctions, selling arms to terrorist regimes, and imposing Christian ideology in every aspect of our foreign policy whether they like it or not. We are such innocent victims here!

27) My Middle Eastern misadventure is just like Lincoln’s civil war to hold the union and eliminate slavery, just like King’s march for civil rights, just like America’s World War II battle to free Europe.