This lil piggy made a movie….

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Picking up the baton from World O’Crap (Better living through crapping!&#153) we duct-tape some pampers onto our feet and wade in to check out the winner and the runners-up in The American Film Renaissance Screenwriting Scam the goobers contest sponsored by the Nocturnal Micturition Society.

For those new to AFR, they they are looking for the next Craig Titley because what the world needs now is Scooby-Doo, sweet Scooby-Doo. That, and we also need screenwriters who don’t hate America and want to see it taken over by IslamoJihadifarians who will ban all entertainment meaning that we will have 352 cable channels, each showing Pax TV 24/7. And if that doesn’t make your balls shrivel and retract into your chest cavity, well, then you’re probably a woman. But enough coming attractions – aaaannnnd —Action!:

The top three winners of the 2005 AFR Screenwriting Contest, as selected by our distinguished panel of judges, are:

First Place: Global Village Idiots by Russell Dvonch
Second Place: Off the FOB by Catherine Ross
Third Place: Voyage to Freedom by Larry Hedaa

Global Village Idiots by Russell Dvonch (California)
Comedy: An idealistic young man joins an environmentalist commune where a series of comic disasters leads him to embrace the virtues of individualism, capitalism and America.

Yes, the Hollywood that is out of touch with flyover country values refuses to make movies like this. Well, at least since they made Bio-Dome. But it will be so much better this time with Ron Silver in the Pauly Shore role. Honest.

Next up:

Off the FOB by Catherine Ross (Washington)
Action-adventure: A hardbitten infantry squad leader is put to the test when the woman he loves, a sergeant, is taken hostage in an Iraqi mosque.

This is more of a common-grunt, boots-on-the-ground kind of movie which is indicated by the fact that the hardbitten infantry squad leader (whose name will be either Rock, Dirk, Jagg, or Paris) can only love a sergeant. It’s a groovy non-com kinda love and, besides, everyone knows the lady lieutenants are total emasculating bitches named Hillary or Maureen O’Dowd. Bruce Willis will play the part of RockDirkJaggParis.

Voyage to Freedom by Larry Hedaa (South Carolina)
Historical drama: The true story of Robert Smalls, a slave whose burning desire to be free leads him to pull off one of the most heroic and daring acts of the American Civil War.

Yes, I know it sounds like Amistad, but it’s not so just shut up. Casting will begin just as soon as they can find a conservative black actor; someone who can pull off the daring of a black man who no one takes seriously as he faces down impossible odds. We suggest Alan Keyes. We hear he’s not working. Again.

Now lets look at some of the fourth-place twice-removed used-to-swat-that-pesky-roach-at-Lionel-Chetwynd’s-bungalow scripts:

Stations by Michael Hemmingson (California)
Drama: A young woman and a boy bond as they travel the train from Los Angeles to San Diego.

Usually when people bond in two hours, we call it midnight at the singles bar with the out-of-town businesman, but we are not a serious person so disregard that. (Added) Casting: Patricia Heaton and a still to be cast zygote.

The Sons of Kings by Robert & Lydia Faulkner (Virginia)
Action-adventure: When terrorists take over his family’s air combat training center, a troubled teen and his strict flying-ace father must take to the Arizona skies to defend the homeland.

Ahhh, yes. Iron Eagle meets The Great Santini during the Red Dawn. I see Kirk Cameron and Tom Selleck.

Will to Power by Gary Mangelsdorf (Colorado)
Historical biopic: The story of one of the most influential minds of the 20th century, who tried to stop those who stole his ideas and planned to use them to take over the world.

A movie about Dennis Miller who pioneered the smirky newscast only to see John Stewart steal it and make it…funny.

Palestine, Texas by Christopher Wood (Washington)
Ensemble drama: Residents in an east Texas town confront grief, mercy, hope and joy.

I’ll be goddamed if I’m going to make some kind of frenchified movie called Paris, Texas.

And finally we just have a title, no decription:

Gladius Domini by Clinton Taylor (historical drama)

This would be the Victor Davis And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead Hanson story with Hanson playing himself; the academic gladiator who breaks free from the chains of academia and exhorts his fellow ivory tower compatriots to rebel and go fight some swarthy people somewhere else while he tends to his tree farm and takes steam baths with Clifford May.

I hear the missing soap scene is gripping….

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