INT. OFFICE — SOMEWHERE ON THE PARAMOUNT LOT
PRODUCER: Okay, go with me on this one. It’s great. An updated version of Elmer Gantry. Only the guy’s not a preacher, he’s a politician, see, we’ll call him "the Bugman." No, he’s not Burt Lancaster handsome, more wall-eyed crazy like he’s been huffing insecticide fumes for about a week. I see Hoffman or Pacino, doing one of those over-the-top character things…
So anyway, you with me here? Good. So this guy, he goes to Russia and he says he’s there pimping Christianity, but really he’s putting the squeeze on a bunch of rich Russians oil barons who don’t want to pay taxes and want the IMF to bail out the government to the tune of $15 billion. So the Bugman says, for a cool million I can fix it for you.
So the Russians funnel a million dollars into — get this — a company called "The US Family Network" right? Cos ol’ Buggy, he’s got nothing if not a sense of humor. And it’s run by this preacher, see…yeah, I know, it’s just too rich, huh…but really all it does is pay out money to some lobbying firm run by the Bugman’s former chief of staff, who writes checks to the tune of $3200 every month to the Bugman’s wife for some fucking useless list of Congressional members’ favorite charities…no, no, she doesn’t do shit….
And they buy this townhouse, see, where they run all their business out of…and they’ve got all kinds of hucksters and shell games going on there, taking money from the Republicans…oh, did I not mention that? Yes, they’re Republicans…and laundering it into the coffers of GOP candidates. They’re living like kings. Ripping off Indians, hauling in bags of cash…And when anybody calls him on his shit, the Bugman just utters this outrageous crap like "We pray for God’s wisdom…" And the marks eat it up!
It’s gonna be great, Oscars all around, we’ll all be buying each other BMWs this time next year….Yes, I know it’s a bit over the top….Hero? Well, there really isn’t one yet…
Okay, go with me on this one. There’s this dog, see, and it talks….