Twas the night before Christmas, and through Jasperwood
We shut it down early, like good Lutherans should.
The presents were finished with none left to wrap.
In each festive package some more Target™ crap.
Gnat tucked in her bed and dreaming sweet thoughts,
After one boring story and three Nyquil™ shots
And mama was upstairs beginning to snore
While I finished watching Stargate Season Four.
When out on the lawn there arose a kerfluffle
Startled, my foreheads, they started to ruffle
I snuck to the windows and peeked through the drapes
But I could see nothing, my knees they did quake
The moon it shown down on the undisturbed snow
That I had not moved since my blower wonâ€™t blow.
There was someone out there! Someone bad I just knew it.
If only I was brave like my good friend Hugh Hewitt
Thereâ€™s bad people out there they envy our stuff,
Because they’ve no Targets, their life is quite rough..
They want to invade us and make us their slaves.
Live in our ranchstyles, not in their dark caves.
Islamists! Jihadis! and Birkenstocked hipsters!
They’ll destroy our pop culture and marry our sisters
No more “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”
They’l make fun of my matchbook collection, I fear.
These people are evil, they must be interned
Or they’ll fly into buildings, this much we have learned.
I can’t live in a world without DVD sets
But my wife is relieved there will be no more sex
And then in a twinkling I heard a small crash
Like a door that was opened too quickly, too fast.
This is it! I just know it! They’ve invaded our block!
Up the walkway, the stairs to the door they did knock.
Because of the wife I don’t have a gun
She said if I did I’d blow off my left thumb
So I went to the door and peeked through the crack
Omigawd, it’s a man! Omigawd, he is black!
He stood there and waited and rapped hard once more
I knew it was hopeless, I opened the door.
And there stood a UPS man all in brown
He held a small package, his face held a frown.
“I’ve got a package for Lileks”, he held out a pad
I grabbed it and signed it, I scribbled like mad
He gave me the box and he went on his way
No “Merry Christmas” No “Happy holidays”.
I slammed close the door, my heart slowed a little.
But the front of my pants showed I’d done a small piddle.
So I went to the kitchen and I put on the kettle
And soon my fast breathing, it started to settle.
I made some green tea and I climbed up the stairs
My wife sat there giving me one of those stares.
“Well, that was a close one”, as I set down my cup.
She said, “Jim come to bed… and shut the fuck up.”