Baseball Tonight

From The Onion:

The White House formally announced Thursday that President George W. Bush will open the 2005 World Series in Chicago by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, and then going on to pitch the first five innings against both the Chicago White Sox and the Houston Astros.


White House officials say that Bush has been preparing for his Game 1 start by working out with Secret Service agents, as well as with pitching coaches from the Minnesota Twins and St. Louis Cardinals, who are familiar with the batters from Chicago and Houston.

“I know this will not be easy, but I believe that any true American would do this themselves if they were asked,” Bush said. “Therefore, I cannot turn down the opportunity that has fallen to me. And in the interest of fairness and impartiality, I promise you this: I will keep hurling until both [Astros manager] Phil [Garner] and [White Sox manager] Ozzie [Guillen] agree that I’ve got nothing left in the tank.”


Security at U. S. Cellular Field has been beefed up in anticipation of Bush’s major-league pitching debut, and many other preparations have been made for the historic occasion.

“The idea is to treat the leader of the free world like any other major-league pitcher,” said W. Ralph Basham, the director of the president’s Secret Service detail, who has supplanted the head of security at the ballpark for the event. “Of course, we’ve had to get the NSA to brief the catchers for both teams, sweep the place for bugs, and outfit the entire facility with advanced electronics to prevent the stealing of signals. There will also be complete personal searches performed on all spectators, so we’re asking fans to show up at least six hours before game time and carry three forms of identification. And all popcorn, peanut, and beer sales will be performed by fully trained special agents.”

“In addition, we’re aware that the president’s control, although still respectable, isn’t what it used to be, especially where his breaking ball is concerned,” Basham added. “We want all the players on both teams to know that if they’re hit by one of the First Pitches, they should just take their base. Anyone who charges the mound will be cut down by sharpshooters equipped with suppressed MP5 submachine guns. That goes double for you, Pierzynski.”

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....