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Abu Gonzalez: Let’s Beef Up the Porn Squad!

A while back I asked Mark Kleiman WTF was up with the fact that the Justice Department is all about busting low-level pot smokers and trying to convince the world that meth was not a problem. Because really, I just could not get my head around it, considering Pfizer and other drug companies have figured out new ways to make money off of cold products that do not require pseudoephedrine, the sine qua none of meth manufacturing.

Mark said that it was an extension of the culture war, and I’m going to paraphrase badly here, but the gist of it is that BushCo. is still fighting some antiquated 60’s paradigm of pot smoking free love tie-dyed hippies. Which sort of jibes with my theory about why the right hates Clinton so deeply — he is a symbol to them of that cultural moment, even though it’s laughable to those on the left that someone so DLC as Bubba, who played golf with Ken Lay and signed every bill Newt Gingrich ever handed him, could be considered counter-culture or anti-establishment in any way.

But I do believe that this is how the 1600 Crew see him, and they are attempting to use the long arm of the law to stamp out everyone they view on the other side of this perceived cultural divide. Which is weird, because as far as I can tell the left does not have any exclusive corner on the weed smoking market. Shit, my right wing red neck cousins like nothing better than to smear themselves with deer piss, smoke a fattie, grab a rifle and climb a 40 foot tree stand and wait for Bambi to wander by.

But now the FBI is abetting BushCo.’s absurd culture war and extending it to porn hounds. And they’re looking for a few good beat offs men:

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against “manufacturers and purveyors” of pornography — not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

Now remember, we’re not talking about child pornography here. We’re talking about some granny in Wichita who loses her shit over Jenna Jameson.

“I guess this means we’ve won the war on terror,” said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. “We must not need any more resources for espionage.”

Among friends and trusted colleagues, an experienced national security analyst said, “it’s a running joke for us.”

A few of the printable samples:

“Things I Don’t Want On My Resume, Volume Four.”

“I already gave at home.”

“Honestly, most of the guys would have to recuse themselves.”

So they want to recuse the porn hounds? I can think of a good test. Eliminate anyone who can instantly tell a set of fake hooters who is not a) a member of the American Board of Plastic Surgery or b) an a-list Hollywood director. The only way the average Joe comes by that kind of expertise is courtesy of Vivid Entertainment or your local titty bar.

Even the normally obedient Depends Media can’t report on this with a straight face. I mean, what hope do bloggers have when we’re being outsnarked by the fucking WaPo?

Explicit sexual entertainment is a profit center for companies including General Motors Corp. and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. (the two major owners of DirecTV), Time Warner Inc. and the Sheraton, Hilton, Marriott and Hyatt hotel chains.

Which means they’ll have to go after the do-it-yourselfers and the amateurs. And that’s the best kind. (I’m an Ed Powers fan myself.)

But Gonzales endorses the rationale of predecessor Meese: that adult pornography is a threat to families and children. Christian conservatives, long skeptical of Gonzales, greeted the pornography initiative with what the Family Research Council called “a growing sense of confidence in our new attorney general.”

Well that’s great. Because the rest of us think this makes him look like an even bigger douchebag than he already was.

Applicants for the porn squad should therefore have a stomach for the kind of material that tends to be most offensive to local juries.

Oh I think I know the perfect guy for the job. (No, not TBogg.)

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Jane Hamsher

Jane Hamsher

Jane is the founder of Firedoglake.com. Her work has also appeared on the Huffington Post, Alternet and The American Prospect. She’s the author of the best selling book Killer Instinct and has produced such films Natural Born Killers and Permanent Midnight. She lives in Washington DC.
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