It’s kind of like Lawrence of Arabia only this time Lawrence kills everyone who’s brown. And he’s not gay.

Woo-Hoo. Hey all you aspiring yet unfairly-unproduced budding screenwriters, here’s your chance to submit any number of scripts written specifically for Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, or Kirk Cameron. It’s the American Film Renaissance Screenwriting Contest.

The American Film Renaissance is looking for the next John Milius, Lionel Chetwynd or Roger L. Simon. (And by the way, all three of those Oscar-nominated screenwriters are on our judges’ panel).

We believe that Hollywood has lost touch with mainstream America. The result is the first summer in several years in which the movie box office take has actually declined.

The AFR is sponsoring a screenwriting contest to discover scripts that won’t appeal only to cynical cultural elites. We’re looking for stories that promote such positive timeless themes as freedom, family, faith, and love of country.

So if like us you’re tired of movies that wallow in victimhood and self-pity, or that portray America, business and religion as the roots of all evil — then this contest is for you.

We are particularly interested in scripts that reflect one or more of the following themes:

• Triumph Over Adversity
• Personal Responsibility
• Freedom vs. Tyranny
• The Individual vs. the Collective
• Free Speech vs. Political Correctness
• Good vs. Evil
• The War on Terror
• Faith and Family
• Free and Limited Government
• The American Spirit

Sounds good. Tell us more:

For a further idea of the kinds of scripts we’re looking for, here are the five films chosen by the AFR as the best of 2004:

1. The Passion of the Christ
A maverick work rejected by all the major studios, masterfully directed by Mel Gibson, one of the most moving, realistic portrayals of Jesus’s arrest and crucifixion ever filmed, starring Jim Caviezel.

2. The Incredibles
Oscar-winning CGI-animated comedy about Ayn Randian superheroes that appeals to young and old alike, touts the joys of tort reform and unfettered competition, written and directed by Brad Bird.

3. Team America
A hilarious (and ribald) puppet tale that fearlessly pokes fun at the shibboleths of Hollywood, including the feebleminded fulminations of self-important celebrities, directed by South Park’s Trey Parker.

4. The Aviator
The amazing life and career of Howard Hughes, one of the most successful businessmen of the 20th century, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, directed by Martin Scorsese, awarded five Oscars.

5. Miracle
Depicts the U.S. hockey team’s remarkable upset victory over the dominant Soviet team at the 1980 Olympics, starring Kurt Russell, directed by Gavin O’Connor. Zero Oscars, one gold medal.

So if you’ve got a script where a cartoon family of rich eccentric hockey players take on Hollywood only to be horribly tortured and crucified…you may already be a winner! And if you can throw in puppet coprophilia…you may also get producer credit!

And remember, the judges includes Lionel Chetwynd (D.C. 9/11: Time Of Crisis Sample dialogue: “But Mr. President …”

The president, brusquely interrupting him. “Try commander-in-chief. Whose present command is: Take the president home!”)

Roger Simon (Scenes From A Mall) and John Milius (Red Dawn).

Hurry now! Don’t Delay! Because if we don’t come up with a good script The terrorists Hollywood wins.

…and don’t forget the $35 entry fee because capitalism totally rules!

In a strictly Randian way, of course…

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....