Sure I like working the fryers, but I really want to direct

If anybody wants me, I’ll be in
my trailer drinking banana daquiris…
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Not since David Horowitz formed a free conservative speech movement in a pathetic attempt to shake down speaking fees from college students who had never heard of him, has there been such an embarassingly overt appeal for work, any work, from “writer/director” Jason Apuzzo .

(crickets….car alarm in the distance…..a dog barking)

C’mon, surely you remember his…well, then he directed…yeah, he wrote…

Okay. As far as we can tell he hasn’t done shit. I mean, he can’t even get listed on imdb, but Jason Mausolf who was a second unit production assistant on exactly one movie managed to pull it off, which means that Jason Apuzzo is actually working on spec scripts where his alter ego says things like, “Would you like to supersize those fries”…and then he demos those deathless lines at work the next day when he shows up for the lunch shift.

Anyway, Jason, who is wise in the ways of Hollywood, warns us that the studios are going to roll out a line of anti-American terrorist-lovin’ movies because:

A) That’s what America is clamoring for because America hates America.

B) Studio heads say “Blockbusters be damned! Who cares about money? I want to create films that will destroy the very system that got me my big house in Brentwood, my fleet of big cars, my hair-plugs, and this starlet who is, at this very moment, blowing me under my big impressive desk.”

C) Subtle scripts and shiny stars work on us subconciously which is why America went socialist after viewing The Grapes of Wrath. We’re kinda stupid that way.

Here is what Jason has to say:

Slow to awaken after the 9/11 attacks, Hollywood has finally come around to contributing what it can in the War on Terror: namely, glossy, star-studded movies that sympathize with the enemy.

Hard to believe? Here’s the pitch: with box-office numbers trending down, studio executives are suddenly greenlighting movies they can describe to shareholders as ‘controversial’ or ‘timely.’ Whether the films are anti-American or otherwise demoralizing to the war effort is apparently immaterial. Its appetite whetted by “Fahrenheit 9/11″‘s $222 million worldwide gross, Hollywood thinks it’s found a formula for both financial security and critical plaudits: noxious anti-American storylines, bathed in the warm glow of star power.

Which is why War of the Worlds only did well after the screenwriter said it was about US hegemony (warning: link leads to Debbie Schlussel site- beware of collagen):

“Certainly, there are a lot of political undertones and overtones. The political tones of this movie will emerge for themselves. In the ’50s, ‘War of the Worlds’ was, ‘My God, the commies are coming to get us.’ Now it’s about fear of terrorism. In other parts of the world, the new movie will be fear of American invasion. It will be clearly about the Iraq war for them,” Koepp told the Chicago Sun-Times.

Before that, nobody, and I mean nobody was going to go see War of the Worlds. You can look it up.

Jason then describes a whole bunch of subvertin’ star vehicles that he knows about because this guy that he works graveyard with has a cousin whose girlfriend worked craft services on Wedding Crashers so she could make some extra money to get a tattoo of Vincent Gallo lasered off of her ass.

Fascinating as that is, it’s beside the point….

Back to “I directed a video for a Cheap Trick tribute band” Jason:

One thing should be obvious from this list: left-wing agitprop filmmaking is no longer the purview of desperate, ‘indie’ filmmakers with shaky camcorders and maxed-out credit cards. The films listed above are being made by large, multi-national corporations – and will feature sophisticated, expensive marketing campaigns with A-list stars. Imagine Leni Riefenstahl cross-promoting “Triumph of the Will” with People Magazine covers and E! Channel specials. That’s more or less what Hollywood has in mind.

Hollywood has shifted strategies in its opposition to the War on Terror. No longer content to let clumsy, uncouth documentarians like Michael Moore or Robert Greenwald conduct its foreign policy, Tinseltown is rolling out big guns like Harrison Ford and Leo DiCaprio and George Clooney – complete with their p.r. firms, dazzling smiles, and easy charm.

Wait for it….

The proper ‘response’ for this sort of thing is simple, if complex in execution. At some point conservatives need to raise capital, pick up cameras and start making movies of their own – much like Mel Gibson did with “The Passion.” And conservatives should do this not simply to ‘rebut’ the other side, but to add depth and imagination to what has become a wasteland of popular entertainment. Most Hollywood insiders – even liberals – agree that Hollywood is in a creative depression. More conservative voices can only help what has become a bleak situation for the town, both artistically and financially.

Hmmmm…if only there was such a man. A man with “depth and imagination”. A man who can save Hollywood “both artistically and financially”. Where can we find such a hero? He might just be that guy over there cleaning the chili-fries off of table number seven….

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....