Getting into quagmires is easy, comedy is hard

Not for you, neo-con boy… Posted by Picasa

Mithras, who I believe, was once a big frigging atomic moth in badly dubbed Japanese movies, has a post up today on the dearth of funny conservative bloggers. He asks (and we’re assuming a ‘he’ since we haven’t kept up on our giant atomic moth genitalia as of late):

The key to successful humor, after all, is to be able to see things from other people’s perspectives – a liberal trait that conservatives deride variously as “relativism” or “objectively pro-terrorist”. So conservatives may have a genetic makeup that makes them less able to appreciate what’s funny, and consequently take themselves very seriously and see the world as a dour, threatening place, with all these other people having a good time and laughing – sometimes at them. This explains a lot, I think, and deserves further research.

Taking the exact amount of research time (about twenty minutes) that Michelle Malkin devoted to If They’re Brown, Lock’em Down I came up with the answer: sex.

As the flexible and somewhat exhausted Mrs tbogg would tell you, this isn’t too surprising since I tend to think everything has to do with sex. And that’s because it’s true.

Abortion– Forcing those slutty whores to have their baby as penance for having sex.
War– War is about power. Sex is about power but with more giggling.
Lower taxes– The government would just waste your money supporting welfare mothers and their spawn (see Abortion above) when you could better use it on hotnakedcoedatUofTwhosefatherispresident.com.
Evolution vs. Intelligent Design– Millions years of wild animal sex vs ten thousand years of the missionary position.
The Second Amendment– Do I really need to explain this one?

Sex sex sex sex sex sex.

So what does this have to do with humor? I’m glad I asked.

Every time I read an article on ‘what women want in men‘, it’s always “I want a man who makes me laugh.” which is, of course, bullshit. Whereas men look for a woman who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue, women are really looking for a man who can tie his shoes with his tongue (to be covered later in my post: Cunnilingus or “Um…Have You Seen My Gum?”) and if there is wet sticky exhausted ” I saw the dark side of the moon” laughter afterward, well, consider it a twofer.

Now it’s not that conservatives don’t have sex (the exception to the rule) so much as the type of sex they do have is that grim Toaster Pop-Up A Little Soldier of Jesus kind of sex (see Santorum, Karen) or the If I have Twins I’ll Only Have To Do This Once kind of sex, or even the Okay I’ll Do It But I’ll Be Thinking About Xena kind of sex. In other words, it’s more than a job, it’s a grim and disgusting obligation.

And because Conservative men know that everyone is having more and better sex than they have ever had or will have because woman don’t find them attractive unless they have a million dollar radio deal and an endless supply of Hillbilly heroin to help deaden the humiliation of being humped for forty seconds by a huffing sweaty butt pustule, well, they start to lose their comedic edge.

And when they find out that their sense of humor is deader than Bob Dole’s dick, they start invading countries instead of invading those sweet marshy swamplands to the south, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

If you’re liberal.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....