Novakula gets to keep his coffin
CNN is sticking by Novak. For now. Billmon rocks on this one.
CNN executives announced today that they will not bury the badly decomposed corpse of columnist and on-air personality Robert Novak, despite complaints from producers that the stench of his putrifying flesh is making it difficult to book guests for the network’s talk shows.
“We realize some viewers may be unsettled by the sight of a rotting pile of maggot-infested tissue on their living room television,” explained CNN/US president Jonathan Klein. “But Novak has a contract, and we feel that as long as we can squeeze a little more free publicity out of his legal and ethical problems, we have no choice but to keep him on the air.”
Klein refused to comment on a recent outbreak of typhus at CNN studios in Washington that left five of Novak’s makeup artists dead and 23 hospitalized, citing pending litigation. He also declined comment on the alleged involvement of Novak’s personal chef in an interstate graverobbing conspiracy.
“Those charges are under investigation by the police, and it would be inappropriate for me to comment at this tiime,” Klein said. “But I can assure you that anyone convicted of a crime and sentenced to a lengthy term in a federal prison will be fired from this network –just as soon as the appeals process has been completed.”
Industry insiders say that CNN, which badly lags rival Fox News in the ratings wars, is desperately seeking a long-term replacement for Novak, but so far hasn’t found a reanimated corpse willing to accept the job.
“Most zombie journalists have higher standards than that,” explained one network source, speaking on quadruple super duper secret sauce background. “And the others are either in jail or have already been signed by Fox.”
Finish the rest of this howler at his pad.