By his last year at Harvard, Ben was
reduced to Lee Greewood songs

The Virgin Ben usually tucks himself away on July 4th (what with those phallic skyrockets and the orgasmic explosions of light and color…not that he would have any idea about that) and, in an effort to not think about all the really great sex that all of the other kids are having, he interprets great American patriotic songs in columns that might remind you of an eighth-grade “Why I Love America” essay competition held by the Optimists Club. It’s kind of like thinking about baseball in order to forestall the culmination of your endeavors, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, you naughty naughty person. Anyway, this year ben does America The Beautiful:

O beautiful for spacious skies

On the night of March 4, 1776, troops under the command of Gen. George Washington prepared for a cataclysmic gamble. American soldiers, under the cloak of night, would take control of the Dorchester Heights overlooking Boston and place cannons there. The British would be forced to abandon Boston. But could 2,000 armed men and tons of supplies be placed upon the Heights without the British attacking? Only the most fortuitous weather could guarantee American success.

For amber waves of grain

Capt. Daniel Shays, a farmer and veteran of the Revolutionary War, would not tolerate the unfairness and chaos of the new regime. Victimized by high taxes, lack of a stable currency and unelected debtor judges, Shays led a revolt. In 1787, Shays’ Rebellion was defeated, but he was soon pardoned by Gov. John Hancock. Would the anger of Shays and his followers have any effect on the creation of a new, more enlightened form of national government?

It goes on and on like that except for a brief stop for an extended drum solo while the colored girls go “doo do doo do doo do do doo.”

Last year Cover Artist Ben did God Bless America

…and the year before that it was The Pledge of Allegiance

..and the year before that Our National Anthem.

Personally I’m hoping he throws us a curve next year and does Lola:

I met her in a club down in old soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola
C-o-l-a cola
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said lola
L-o-l-a lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

The Stonewall riots were a series of violent conflicts between homosexuals and police officers in New York City. The first night of rioting began on Friday, June 27, 1969 not long after 1:20 a.m., when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village. “Stonewall,” as the raids are often referred to, is considered a turning point for the modern gay rights movement worldwide. It was one of the first times any significant body of gays resisted arrest.

Well I’m not the world’s most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Well I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola

USA Today chiefs didn’t see it that way. They decided not to run Coulter’s column, telling her that it was “unusable” and “not funny.” As Coulter told Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report, “Apparently, no one at USA Today had ever read Ann Coulter before.”

“I can’t believe I keep falling for it,” Coulter told me from New York on Monday morning. “They will not publish a conservative. … If they don’t think I’m a good writer, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me write for them. Apparently, they thought they were hiring (romance novelist) Catherine Coulter.”

Because I don’t imagine he’ll be doing Jill Sobule’s I Kissed A Girl.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....