I Married A Fetus Pez Dispenser

Praise the Lord and pass the dead baby… Posted by Picasa

We see that our good buddy Rick Santorum (R-Alsatian) has written a book about families based upon, we presume, his experiences with his own family with additional commentary by Jesus. As you may already know, Rick is the proud husband of Karen (who helped pioneer the Velcro Episiotomy&#153 which is to obstetricians what Tommy John Surgery is to orthopedic surgeons) as well as father to the lil’ Santorums: Richard, Rick, Ricky, Ricki, Ricola, and Juwanda. In Santorum’s magnum opus dei he…well, he spends most of his time reminding women to remember their rightful position (missionary) in the household without going overboard and bemoaning the fact that women don’t tend to have litters which would be like, really cool except for the nipple gap.

With the consummate timing of one who knows all the ins and outs of the rhythm method (and with six kids it’s obvious that someone can’t keep a beat) Santorum released his book on July 4th which is a holiday in some cultures. And here it is July 5th and the Amazon reviews are already in!

trashy book, July 6, 2005
Reviewer: Bob Smith (Tulsa, OK USA) – See all my reviews
this book is total trash. I will never buy a book from him again. i thought it would be about cool stuff like how to smite a liberal but instead he talks about families. bleh.

Reexamining my role as a woman…, July 5, 2005
Reviewer: BettyBornAgain “Santorum2008” (New York, NY United States) – See all my reviews
Thank you Senator Santorum (God willing, one day, President Santorum) for showing me the light of my sinful ways. Imagine my surprise to discover how selfishly I’ve lived my life these last 8 years since turning 18 — educating myself at my parents’ expense, forcing my poor mother to find a “fulfilling” career outside the home to pay for my selfish need to become a lawyer, rather than a homemaker, which is the role I was born to fill. Thank you again, Senator…I will go to my boss right now, quit my job, marry my loser boyfriend, and start working on my brood of young, God-fearing, draft-dodging, Republicans. (home-schooled, of course) With you, Senator Santorum, I feel like God is representing Pennsylvania.

The Washington Post chimes in:

“The African proverb says, ‘It takes a village to raise a child,'” Santorum writes. “The American version is ‘It takes a village to raise a child _ if the village wants that child.'”

Santorum, chairman of the Senate Republican Conference, is sometimes touted as a possible 2008 presidential candidate. Books outlining a politician’s philosophical views often precede campaign announcements.

He could face a tough re-election battle in 2006. Early polling shows him behind state Treasurer Robert P. Casey Jr., the favorite to win the Democratic primary.

As we all know, nothing spells Presidency! like getting bounced from your senatorial seat two years before the really important election. But back to the Post:

Santorum said early in his career he was reluctant to take part in the anti-abortion cause, but an impassioned speech by then-Sen. Bob Smith, R-N.H., helped change his mind.

“You see, all politicians know that when you engage in any traditional values issue, especially abortion, the news media immediately labels you … Adjectives like intolerant, rigid, far-right, mean-spirited, extreme, hard-line and zealous will routinely be used to describe you,” Santorum said.

…and dog-fucker. Always the mean kids calling you dog-fucker.

Anyway, if you want to know more about Santorum family values you can always turn here and here.

Please God. Let Santorum be the nominee in 2008.


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