With this ring I do thee…and then I can stop masturbating

We really wanted to avoid writing anything about the “runaway bride” ( deer in the headlights look, faked kidnapping…that runaway bride) but via this link from Roger Ailes, we find that she and her hubby really are the wedding gift that keeps on giving:

Bolting bride Jennifer Wilbanks was chaste away — by her fiancé’s insistence on abstinence, friends of the sex-deprived couple claim.

“She told people the fact that she and [husband-to-be John Mason] were not having sex was upsetting,” a friend of Wilbanks’ told People magazine, which hits newsstands today.

Mason was once a “wild” guy who “dated a lot,” his running pal Ted King said.

But he became a born-again virgin — eschewing premarital sex — five years ago after pledging himself to his Baptist faith, friends said.

“He’s been saving himself for the right woman,” Mason’s friend Andy Parsons told the magazine.

And friends say that likely drove the marathon enthusiast to run — from the altar.

In Wilbanks’ hometown of Gainsville, girlfriends told The Post the 32-year-old woman had once enjoyed a very active social life — regularly dating men from a local gym as well as firemen.

Wilbanks — who got breast implants before meeting Mason — “had lots of boyfriends,” a friend told People.

So we can assume that Wilbanks was absolutely terrified at the prospect of unleashing the torrent of Mason’s precious bodily fluids that have built up over the past five years. As we can see from this picture, he was certainly retaining some type of liquids. Adding fluid to fire, so to speak, was the prospect of his finally getting a gander at those engineered breasteses that were oh so close until a few weeks ago.

Meanwhile World O’Crap points out that all of this wouldn’t have happened if she had been scheduled to marry Doug Giles who would have hunted her down to the ends of the Earth and probably would have killed her and mounted her head on the wall so that her googly-eyes would have adored him forever. Or until the Rapture which is scheduled for next Thursday, around noon-ish.

Wear clean underwear.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....