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Ooops. Chimpy didn't secure AbstinenceOnly.com

Scarlet P. sent me this hysterical link — AbstinenceOnly.com. As Scarlet aptly noted, “this is what happens when you spend $400 million on abstinence only education and neglect to secure the domain name.”

It’s essential to go to this site, especially in light of the ascension of the new Pope, and his hard line regarding sexual matters. Just brilliant. Get a load of this…

Congratulations! You and your faith partner have chosen a path of mutual love and adoration through physical respect. Resisting the temptations of sexual intercourse may not always be easy, but with the help of AbstinenceOnly.com, we guarantee you’ll have a lot of fun!

… Here’s some fun things that faith partners can do besides have sex.

1) Go out to a movie or watch TV! Make some popcorn and have a popcorn party!

2) Engage in wholesome sports activities or play board games like checkers, chess or Monopoly!

3) Rigorously rub your face, body and genitalia against those of your faith partner until orgasm. (Also known as ‘faith-fucking’)

Here’s the section on Homosexual Abstinence

The Bible states it plainly in Leviticus: “Man shall not lie with man as he does with woman.’ So there you have it: Standard Missionary is right out. For the gals: you’re off the hook. Anything goes. As far as the Lord’s concerned, it’s Beaver Season all year ’round.

In the interest of avoiding STDs, and believe me there are some doozies out there, you gents might want to keep it to blowjobs, and we mean this literally: Take your faith buddy’s penis and blow on it from a distance. Or you can rub it against your face, neck, buttocks, etc. (see Anal Abstinence)

You can also get some abstinence advice from Dr. Frist.


Dear Doctor Frist, You recently implied it was possible to contract AIDS through tears and that simply touching another persons genitals could result in pregnancy. Is this true?
Signed, Young and Scared

Dear Young and Scared,
When I said that you could get AIDS from tears what I meant was that getting AIDS could make you cry. Also, you CAN get pregnant from simply touching another person’s genitals, providing they’re ejaculating and you’re touching them with your cervix. I hope this clears things up for you. Remember also that whenever you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

Yours Truly, Senate Majority Leader, Dr. Bill Frist

There’s plenty more to take in at the site. I couldn’t stop laughing.

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Pam Spaulding

Pam Spaulding