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Must-read DKos diary: Bending over to win elections

You must surf over to DKos and read the diary, “Bending over to win elections” by Bob Johnson. It hits the nail on the head regarding the absolute ball-lessness of the Democratic Party. In its zeal to win elections, the party has time and again, decided the only way to do this is to become Repug lite. They think back dreamily to Bill Clinton, who may have been less onerous than Chimpy, but he’s the guy responsible for “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and DOMA, not the GOP.

The Dems don’t even try to reshape or reframe the issues; they are too damn scared. No, they’d rather tell women, gays and other minorities to sit back and wait — when they win, they’ll come back to “our issues.” It’s bullsh*t, and this diary calls them on it.

Give up on abortion. Make Tim Roemer our point man. We have to return to back alley, coat hanger abortions in order to regain seats in the House and the Senate and take back the presidency. Sorry to you women out there who will suffer. Just understand that we will give you back your rights… someday. Can’t say when because we need to shift to the right on this one. Thanks for understanding. Our sympathies in advance to those who die in the process.

Oh, and teach creationism and/or intelligent design in our public schools. Even though our citizenry is arguably less informed than at any time in our recent history, and most Americans know more about the contestants on American Idol than they know about the beginnings of our solar system or the origin of species on Earth, let’s give in and make our kids even more ignorant than they already are. Eye on the prize and all that. We need to win elections.

And to our gay and lesbian friends out there, sorry, but you’re all just homos now. Just fags. Queers. Lesbos. We’ll come back around for you in a little while once we start winning again. Really. We will. Just lay low for a bit. And be alert. It could get a little nasty out there in the meantime.

Muslim-Americans and Arab-Americans? You’re fucked. Sorry. There’s not much we can do for you at present. At some point in the next 20 years, this whole terror thing may or may not blow over. We’ll get back to you. For sure. Keep a stiff upper lip, to quote your old colonial opressors. Meet you new oppressors. That’s us. But you’ll know we’ll be on your team once we get back in power. It just may take a while.

To our loyal African-American friends, we trust that you’ll bear with us as the economy collapses and you become the first casualties (in more ways than one — read on). Just remember, there is always the military! And once we give the “thumbs up” to Bush’s interventions in Iran and Syria (something we have to do to appear to be tough on terror and strong on national defense… you know, in order to regain control), we’ll do something nice for you. At the very least, we’ll give many of your family members Purple Hearts and other awards for gallantry in battle.

Ditto for Hispanics.

To our good friends in major industries we say, “Hey! We love you, too!” Yes, we can write industry-friendly policies! Yes, we can create government programs that line your pockets! Yes, we can draw up rules that hinder the unionization of your employees and make your people work longer hours for less money! Yes, we can pass laws that will limit your liability, even if something you do or something you make completely fucks up and kills people! And, yes, we’ll make it easier for you to protect your profits with offshore accounts and offshore workforces! We may never be better than our opponents, but, like Avis, we’ll try harder!

And to our Jewish friends… Nothing to fear. Really. Don’t believe the idle gossip from hard right, Christian circles. Those folks will be too busy persecuting homos and ragheads to worry about you (see above). But keep your eyes peeled. You’re always high on the list. If it comes to that, we won’t be that vocal right away. And if you hear us call you names, just know that we are doing it to play along. As a way to steal voters from the other side and win back seats. But we will rise to your defense once we regain power. No fooling. You trust us, don’t you?

To the working men and women who once made up the backbone of our party, well, let’s just say our longstanding friendship may be placed on a temporary hiatus. We’ll still be friends and all that, but we can’t appear to be too close to you. And you might have to work longer hours for less money. And you may have trouble getting adequate health care for your families. But just wait until we get back in to power. We’ll be right back with you! Swear to God! Won’t it be great?

Go read the rest, and see those comments full of high-fives.

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Pam Spaulding

Pam Spaulding