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This explains how Chimpy made it through Yale

Nicole Kristal, writing in this week’s Newsweek, ‘Tutoring’ Rich Kids Cost Me My Dreams, whines about the ethical dilemma she faced tutoring “typical surfer retards” and synapse-misfiring HS Barbies of the affluent.

Back in the day I had heard of people hiring folks to test-take for their lame kids, or parents writing papers for their lazy offspring, but this takes the cake. These children of privilege aren’t even deigning to sit in front of their computer to type out an essay anymore. It sounds as though they aren’t even intellectually capable of doing so by the time they get to high school.

“Just sit at her computer and type for her,” my boss advised me with my first client, a private-high-school student. But as I typed her name at the top right corner of the screen, she slithered onto her bed to watch “Are You Hot?” I asked her what she remembered about Huxley’s “Brave New World.”

She’s a slut,” my client said with a sigh, referring either to the character of Lenina or the woman on TV. After a handful of three-word responses like that, I realized she didn’t care. I was hired to do the thinking. The parents knew it. So did my boss.

…For three-hour workdays, the ability to sleep in and the opportunity to get paid to learn, I tackled subjects like Dostoevsky while spoiled jerks smoked pot, took naps, surfed the Internet and had sex. Though some offered me chateaubriand and the occasional illicit drug, most treated me like the help. I put up with it because I feared working in an office for $12 an hour again.

This sounds an awful like affirmative action for the rich, does it not? A leg up…a helping hand… fill in your metaphor here. Is this the “meritocracy” they’ve been talking about?

One thing though, since Chimpy received a “gentleman’s C,” it sounds like 41 might not have gotten his money’s worth if he hired a tutor.

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Pam Spaulding

Pam Spaulding