Mars The Vatican Needs Women More Priests
This weekend is one of the biggest gambling weekends of the year in the United States with the NCAA tournament racing towards its exciting conclusion. Yeah, whatever. But that is nothing when you consider the billions of dollars bet worldwide in office PopePools™ where some lucky stiff is going to pick up for serious cash because he filled his Faithful Four bracket with the likes of Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, and Cinderella story finalist Cardinal Albert Pujols.
But the new Pope has quite a few challenges facing him besides learning Pope gang signs and all those mad Pope skillz, yo. He’s got real trouble in Vatican City and that starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pope.:
The next pope will confront a range of challenges, including scientific advances that conflict with Catholic teaching; the decline of religious observance in Europe and North America; an explosion in church membership in the Third World; and a dwindling number of priests in the West.
Now, as a lapsed Catholic (and by “lapsed” I mean one who now thinks that the whole Catholic thing is as bogus as a Tom DeLay prayer) I thought I would make some Pope nomination suggestions that might help the Catholic church rebuild it’s thinning ranks. That way if I’m wrong about that whole eternity thing being bullshit, well, I’ll have a bargaining chip that may keep me out of Hell and only condemn me to Indiana.
So here you go, you sons of Bishops. You can thank me later:
Mel Gibson: He’s somewhere between the Pope and Jesus already.
Antonin Scalia: Sure it would be a step down but he’s already got that “infallibility” thing down cold.
Conan O’Brien: Very popular with the kids and the Irish.
Joel Mowbray: You want a Pope who’s cool? I gotcher cool right here.
Alan Keyes: Guaranteed to get more votes for Pope than he did for Senator from Illinois.
P. Diddy: Already has his own Pope clothes and he used to date J-Lo so he has more than a passing acquaintance with Hell.
Ben Shapiro: Because the church always has room for one more virgin. Besides, Jesus was a Jew.
Michael Jackson: Will make people forget about priest pedophilia probl- Okay. Scratch this one.
50 Cent: Big cross? Check. Been shot? Check. He’s got “Pope” written all over him. I think on his lower back.
…and finally, how about a woman?: Laetitia Casta.
Sign me up.