The sign says “All You Can Eat” not “Eat All You Can”.

“I’ll be dead before I can collect mah Social Securitah” Posted by Hello

The Bush Administration’s attempt to cut the strings that make up the Social Security safety net seems about as dead as Bob Dole’s dick. First they tried to convince the seniors that they were doing it for them only to find out that these people didn’t get to be old by being stupid. When the seniors did’t fall in line (because they’re a bunch anti-military homo-lovers), the Bushies trained their sights on African-Americans , hoping that they would remember the last good thing that Republicans did for them. But being the ingrates that they are, African Americans looked at the arguments and found them wanting. Besides the last time these kind of people came bearing promises of the future…it didn’t turn out so hot.

So, what to do…what to do? Who else has enough enlightened self-interest that would be willing to get behind private accounts to the detriment of others?

And then inspiration hit:

U.S. life expectancy will fall dramatically in coming years because of obesity, a startling shift in a long-running trend toward longer lives, researchers contend in a report published Thursday.

By their calculations — disputed by skeptics as shaky and overly dire — within 50 years obesity likely will shorten the average life span of 77.6 years by at least two to five years. That’s more than the impact of cancer or heart disease, said lead author S. Jay Olshansky, a longevity researcher at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

This would reverse the mostly steady increase in American life expectancy that has occurred in the past two centuries and would have tremendous social and economic consequences that could even inadvertently help “save” Social Security, Olshansky and colleagues contend.

But wait just a big fat minute. That means that this group is in danger of getting a raw deal from Social Security just because they have a tendency to keel over, clutching at their chests with their sausage-like fingers, at an earlier age than people who eat sensibly and exercise. That’s not fair.

So how big is this group of citizens who will be supporting healthy active Don’t -Know-When-To-Call-It-A-Life Americans with their hard earned dollars that they could be investing in bacon futures or just bacon (if they want to cut out the middleman):

* Two-thirds of U.S. adults are overweight or obese; one-third of adults qualify as obese.
* Up to 30 percent of U.S. children are overweight, and childhood obesity has more than doubled in the past 25 years.
* Childhood diabetes has increased 10-fold in the past 20 years.

Damn. That’s a bigger voting block than the fundamentalists (although I’m sure there is a massive overlap of voters here… not to mention massive laps). But if the Republicans are to be successful in selling their Social Security plans to this land mass of potential voters they’re going to need spokespeople who can connect, who speak the language, who look at this and see a snack before lunch.

I know! How about a smooth talking former Senator and Cabinet member? The they’re going to need a influential media organization with global reach to help spread the word. I think that this guy can help. Lastly, because that whole Maggie Gallagher/Armstrong Williams pay-for-play thing worked so well, maybe they could funnel a little of that covert PR money to a well-respected journalist with an impeccable reputation. Or just give it to Jonah instead. Whatever.

Anyway (he said…moving on) if the Republicans are interested in my little idea, have Ken Mehlman give me a call. We’ll do lunch.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....