If you’re looking for a hostage you came to the right place.

It would appear that the terrorists haven’t been keeping up on western pop cultural matters lately, which would explain this:

Actor Russell Crowe has revealed he was told he was being targeted by suspected al-Qaeda terrorists who wanted to kidnap him ahead of the 2001 Oscars.

The threat led to him being tailed by FBI agents during the filming of two of his movies.

Crowe told Australian GQ magazine that when told of the threat it “was the first conversation in my life that I’d ever heard the phrase al-Qaeda”.

He added the FBI eventually thought the kidnap threat had been “overstated”.

He was told the threat had been picked up by a French policewoman in Libya or Algeria in a recording.

Okay. Look. If you’re a terrorist and you want to get our attention by kidnapping a celebrity, you need to go after the ones that we really care about. I mean, we like Russell Crowe, but we don’t love Russell Crowe. And that’s why I’m here to help.

For example, we love this guy. Take him. Please.

And this guy. Sold lots of CDs, so he must be popular. Have at him.

Here’s another one. She’s America’s sweetheart. We can’t get enough of her and we would really really be unhappy if you somehow snatched her off the streets and deprived us of her lovely coloratura voice.

If you want to do a group grab, here’s your chance to take one from column A, one from column B, etc. But be careful. If you take this one (and we just love her to death) we are absolutely, positively not going to pay the ransom. This is based on her very specific instructions, so don’t blame us if you come down with a case of kidnappers remorse. She’s yours. Keep her.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....