Hi. My name is Phil. Mind if I snoop around in your vagina?
Kansas Attorney General Phil Kline goes fishing:
In an investigation conducted secretly for months, the Kansas attorney general is demanding that clinics turn over the complete medical records of nearly 90 women and girls who had abortions.
Two abortion clinics are fighting the request in Kansas Supreme Court, saying the state has no right to such personal information. But Attorney General Phill Kline insisted Thursday he is simply enforcing state law.
“I have the duty to investigate and prosecute child rape and other crimes in order to protect Kansas children,” Kline, an abortion opponent, said at a news conference.
Kline is seeking the records of girls who had abortions and women who received late-term abortions.
Sex involving someone under 16 is illegal in Kansas, and it is illegal in the state for doctors to perform an abortions after 22 weeks unless there is reason to believe it is needed to protect the mother’s health.
Kline spoke to reporters after details of the investigation, which began in October, surfaced in a legal brief filed by attorneys for two medical clinics. The clinics argued that unless the high court intervenes, women who obtained abortions could find government agents knocking at their door.
The clinics said Kline demanded their complete, unedited medical records for women who sought abortions at least 22 weeks into their pregnancies in 2003, as well as those for girls 15 and younger who sought abortions. Court papers did not identify the clinics.
The records sought include the patient’s name, medical history, details of her sex life, birth control practices and psychological profile.
This is fine…provided Phil and his somewhat manly-looking wife are willling to answer a few questions.
•We notice only one child. Whose reproductive equipment is broke?
•Missionary, doggie style, or human wheelbarrow?
•Spit or swallow?
•Phil: Premature ejaculation? Seldom? Often? Three out of five?
•Mrs. Phil: Same question.
•Mrs. Phil: How do you get out nasty Santorum stains?
•We noticed an uptick in 2002 of gonorrhea and chlamydia in Shawnee County (.pdf). Anything you’d like to tell us?
•Ginger or Maryann?
•Mr. Phil: same question.
•The dog. Is he somehow involved? (Sorry. Rick Santorum only…but feel free to answer)
•Do any of your “safe” words include: “mommy”, “Wolf Blitzer”, or “Not the face!”? If not, what words do you use?
•Mrs. Phil: Is Phil losing his hair on top because you’ve been forcefully guiding him to your “prairie pearl”?
•The Bill of Rights: shred it or just roll it up and use it as a tampon?
Be sure to get back to us….