The Grammys. I don’t know why I care at all, but I watched (if you can call it watching while reading a book with iPod earplugs in). When something caught my eye, out came the earplugs and later came the regrets. Where shall I start?

MTV coverage- Ashanti: Stupidest…Person…On…Earth. Ever.

If you didn’t get to see it, the opening offered the Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani, Eve, Los Lonely Boys, Franz Ferdinand, and Maroon 5 each performing a snippet of their latest whatever (got to hit every demographic, baby!) building to a finale where they all attempted to perform over each other, presaging the formation of a new supergroup to be called: Clusterfuck.

If you didn’t receive a Lifetime Achievement Award tonight, don’t feel left out: seven other people on the planet didn’t get one either.

For those keeping score at home, Norah Jones hit two flat notes, Gretchen Wilson managed three, Queen Latifah clocked in at five, and I lost count at twenty-one from Jennifer Lopez after taking off my shoes and then my pants in a vain attempt to keep track.

It was nice to see Kanye West recycle Gloria Estefan’s life-threatening crash anecdote because I keep forgetting how precious life is until an entertainer reminds me of how…precious…life…is. Unless, of course, Kanye decides to re-record Conga, in which case I’m taking Mr. Toaster for a swim in the tub with me.

With the exception of the Usher/James Brown duet, it didn’t appear that any of the other duet “acts” had a chance to rehearse with each other. Or even meet each other, for that matter.

Instead on downloading Across The Universe from iTunes for 99 cents to help victims of the tsunami, just send two dollars to the Red Cross instead. You’ll thank me later. Ick

Okay. I love Ray Charles. I love Van Morrison, James Taylor, Diana Krall, and Bonnie Raitt (Natalie Cole? feh). But Genius Loves Company is pretty damn awful. Sure, it was a nice parting gift, but it would have been nice if the academy had tossed him a few more awards when he was still strong and vital instead of wasting them on Christopher Cross and Hootie. As far as album of the year goes it wasn’t the worst (1997 Celine Dion wins beating The Fugees The Score, Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie, and Beck’s Odelay. Oof) but it could have been better.

Finally, as has become the custom at the Major Awards shows they ran a In Memoriam list of artists who have passed away in the past year. The Academy mentioned Old Dirty Bastard…but not Jimmy Smith who passed away last week.

The Academy should be embarrassed, but they’re still working on getting over being embarrassed about Don’t Worry, Be Happy and it’s only been seventeen years.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....