I am considered high risk
While doing some reading over at Walt Disney’s Wonderful World O’Crap I noticed the mysteriously initialed S.Z. (sounds foreign to me, buster) mentions a poll from Christianity Today where the good Christians (not the bad Christians, who were too busy cashing their HHS consulting checks to be bothered with the poll) were asked about demonic possession and 35% responded that it is not taken seriously enough by Christians. But another 24% felt that it was possible, but only for non-Christians.
Terrific. I spend years trying to escape my Catholic upbringing only to find out that I’m stuck playing in a game long after I took my bat and ball and went home. So now along with having to worry about Islamofascism enslaving America and not letting us watch Cinemax After Dark anymore, I have to worry about some random demon that I might pick up off of a doorknob or at a bar or something.
So I have some questions (boy, do I have questions) about what I can expect if I suddenly come down with Sudden Unbidden Demon Syndrome:
•If I am possessed by a demon will I have to pay extra at the movies? Even if Joel Schumaker directed it?
•Do I have to provide snacks? I mean, what do demons like? I’m guessing Fritos and bean dip. Slim Jims too.
•Will I suddenly find PAX TV more hilarious than usual?
•Will my erections that last more than four hours (although rare) still occur?
•Will I occasionally write fact-challenged spittle-flecked screeds that give Adam Yoshida an erection that lasts longer than four hours? (Sorry. Ann Coulter only)
•Boxers or briefs?
•Will I come to feel that my political party has left me and not vice-versa?
•Will I attempt to foist my talentless daughter off on the American public? (Sorry. Joe Simpson and Joan Rivers only)
•Will I want to buy a Hummer?
•When I’m in a bookstore and I see a Left Behind book, will my eyes start to bleed? I mean more than usual?
•Will I be stalked by Buffy? Okay, how about Mel Gibson?
•Will I start cat blogging?
•Will it feel similar to having Joementum?
•Will my Josh Groban fan fiction improve?
•Will I start getting late night calls from Antonin Scalia warning me that “this country ain’t big enough for the two of us”?
I need answers now. Won’t you please help?