Like how some preachers get a real church and I have to share the Loco Coco Room with a seniors clogging class

I think the Motel Messiah’s&#153 sermon this week is Bitchslap Me Jesus Past the Minibar of Life. He seems, I dunno, bitter:

How many of you have prayed … believed … desired … hoped and worked for something, and then, in one fell swoop, all your efforts seemingly get crossed up and don’t pay off? And there you sit, gobsmacked, as you watch all your best work and dreams go straight down the crapper. Am I the only one who has stood next to life’s toilet and had this unfortunate point of view?

Yes. You are the only one…but go on, we’re sure this will be interesting:

You see other people’s lives, and everything they touch seemingly turns to gold. No trials. No waiting. No pain for them!

And here’s the kicker. You know they’re no better than you. You know they have the same proclivities toward evil as you do. You know they, too, think most of Religious TV is an absolute ostentatious carnivalesque Elmer-Gantry-meets-Liberace side show. You know they, too, sneak a peak at Springer’s daily televised assault on humanity. You know they surreptitiously enjoy a dose of schadenfreude when something goes south for their nemeses. You know you’re not being singled out for being more evil than your fellow creepy mortals. You’re left thinking … hey, Yahweh … what gives? Cut me some slack here, why don’tcha?

Speaking on behalf of Doug’s deity (who really doesn’t want to get involved and, please, no pictures): No. No slack for you until you quit writing things like these:

So … to acquiesce, you grunt a grin of mock civility … but inside you feel more lost than Anna Nicole Smith taking the FCAT.


He will give you the desires of your heart” have all the appeal of dirty dancing with Janet Reno.


Well … you tried to delight yourself in Him, yet your spiritual vision is still as blurred as Boris Yeltsin’s eyesight on a weekend vodka binge during a Russian blizzard.

Okay, Doug’s deity (whom we’ll call “Scooter”) is trying to teach him and us (well, not me…but probably you and you and that guy over there with the comb-over) that He is like a wife-beating husband who really loves us but has a problem expressing it particularly when Sports Center is on:

Secondly, to help us understand cross acts of providence, we must realize that often God’s hand is set against us when His heart is set toward us. The Bible is Windex-like in its clarity about God really digging us and also having no problemo giving us a good life-lesson butt-whipping at the same time.

Listen. No man can conclude where the heart of God stands by His hand. Are you getting this? Look … God can and will kick butt and take names. He can penalize us for our weird penchants. He can spiritually smack us so hard that He makes Jackie Chan look like Urkel. All the while, He really really likes us. God loved his spiritual sons like Job and David, and in His love, He allowed for disastrous things to rock their world for their ultimate good.

And later they thanked Him but they really could have done without all the drama and would have settled for a life of quiet contemplation and maybe a little Tivo.

Thirdly, know that all cross providences that smack the saints are for the purpose of some noble good that God intends to prefer upon them. Take Joseph, for example. Joe got sold into slavery to a distant country through the envy and malice of his ministerial alliance. Then brother Joseph was falsely imprisoned after he radically obeyed God. Nevertheless, through all this intergalactic bad junk, The Dreamer was getting closer to his dream.

Put that in your irony bong and smoke it!

Um. We really don’t know what Doug is talking about here nor do we know what an “irony bong” is either, so we’re going to put it in our confusion hypodermic, mainline it, and hope for the best.

Check it out. What Joseph’s brothers sought to diminish … God used to promote. His brothers sold Joseph so that he would not be exalted over them, yet he was exalted because he was sold.


“Scooter” would like it to be known that He hates people who use the expression “Hello!” and marks them with the Sign of the Beast which is a cleft chin and pouty expression

The Holy Spirit is out to work in us that which is pleasing in His sight and folks … our flesh does not do the electric slide in that direction. It usually takes a good shake down before we shape up.

So, apparently we were lied to when we were told that doing the Electric Slide at weddings would get us into heaven when we really should have been slow-dancing to Lady In Red instead of banging the Maid of Honor in the hotel coatroom while it was playing.

At least I think that’s what I think “Scooter” said before He went out for cigarettes….

Deities! Can’t live with them, can’t incur their wrath without them.

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LGBT News Roundup, 1/24/2005



Yeah. Like I would tell you....