The Big Gay Elephant and the Virgin

We haven’t checked in our lil buddy The Virgin Ben&#153 since he packed up his Power Rangers backpack and headed off to Harvard Law where he will amuse his Professors and amaze his fellow students with assertions such as:

When gay activists claim that they simply want the same rights accorded to straight couples, they truly ask for basic redefinition of marriage itself — and for acceptance of homosexuality by the straight community. Gays and lesbians have the same rights as any heterosexual: They can marry someone of the opposite sex. Subjective desire has no place in redefining moral terminology.

“I drew in a long breath and exhaled, clamoring after the thoughts bouncing around in my mind, but they seemed as slippery as a well lathered bar of soap. “I’ve never . . ..” I started.

“Done anything with a man before. I know.” He finished for me.

I looked up at him as he ran his hand through his slick black hair, a curious smile played across my lips as I lowered my eyes again. It was as if that act made it possible to talk, but only just barely. “But I subjectively desire you…” I stammered.* (Preceding passage borrowed and modified…)

Let’s see, where was I? Oh, yeah…Ben:

With the topics of debate now moving to domestic policy, it’s time for President Bush to take out the biggest unused political weapon of this election cycle. It’s the elephant in the living room, the most vital domestic issue this side of homeland security. It is, of course, gay marriage.

That’s right, it’s not exploding health care costs, Social Security instability, unemployment or underemployment, or declining wages that is the “most vital domestic issue” of our time. It’s the threat of gays getting legally married and how that will somehow legitimize the totally hot gay sex that six (or maybe even seven of them) are probably having at this very moment. The kind of gay sex that Ben can only imagine (actually any kind of sex Ben has to imagine because…well…you know) that threatens the very foundations of our Judeo-Christian values which, according to my copy of Judeo-Christian Values for Dummies, specifically states (page 124…about halfway down):

“Don’t be sticking your you-know-what in you-know-where or any other place that might possibly give you or your partner any pleasure. In fact, don’t even think about it. And no dirty talk either, Sparky.”

But, getting back to Ben, (who hates to be ignored):

The Bush campaign has been hesitant to speak about gay marriage, fearing a “tolerant” backlash. But it’s about time that Bush stopped ignoring the elephant in the center of the living room.

Personally, I hope George W Bush uses his whole time in Friday’s debate talking about gay marriage or gay elephants for that matter. Just gaygaygaygaygaygaygagay-gay. Maybe he could even throw in a brief mention of sodomy (with a shout-out to his homeboy, Clarence Thomas) just to keep Michael Powell on his toes.

If he does, I hope they carry the debate on Bravo.

They’re pretty good at that stuff…

Meanwhile, Ben’s antipathy towards gays mean that his odds of getting his you-know-what you-know-whated before The Fall of Western Civilization As We Know It has now decreased about 48% since he has blown off (figuratively) about half of the worlds population.

I’m sure they’ll thank him later…

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....