The return of So You Don’t Have To Watch

As you may remember, I didn’t get around to watching Mumbles The President when he gave his acceptance speech during the Republican National Convention and Hookerpalooza, but I was kind enough (because that’s the kind of guy I am) to provide you with comments to use the day after so you could keep up the pretense of being an informed citizen as opposed to coming off as a complete sucking black hole of reason and facts, also known as a Fox viewer.

Well, to be honest, I won’t be watching the debate tonight either, due to a 5 o’clock soccer game, and then there’s that episode of King of Queens where Doug wants to do something that Carrie doesn’t want him to do (you know…that episode). So, because I’m still that nice guy, here’s your crib sheet for tomorrow should the whole sordid topic of the debate come up.

“Did they ever figure out how Kerry snuck that boxcutter onstage?”

“I don’t think having Bush begin each answer with “So, I’m all, like….” helped sway the youth vote.”

“We’ve come a long way from Al Gore’s sighs to John Kerry making a jerk-off motion whenever Bush said something.”

“Having them answer in the form of a question didn’t work quite as well as expected.”

“Although I welcomed the change to a bathing suit competition featuring two-piece suits, I think a wax job was in order for both of them.”

“The stoppage in the debate where Karen Hughes came out and got the Mac and cheese spot off of Bush’s chin using her finger and spit probably resonated well with the overbearing stagemother demographic.”

“I’m still on the fence about having Kerry dress up as Rambo although watching his well-oiled muscles gleam under the lights was certainly different as far as debates go.”

“Don’t shows like this have a wacky neighbor? It really needed a wacky neighbor.”

“That part where Jim Lehrer started laughing and couldn’t stop was pretty good. He really should team up with Tim Conway more often…”

“Those jumbo cups that said Coke sitting on the lecterns was a brilliant job of product placement. Kudos to Coke.”

“Having George Bush answered every question by saying “9/11″ and then smirking may hurt him somewhere down the line.”

“Laura was so heavily medicated that she didn’t even notice Teresa making devil-horns behind her head whenever the camera was on them.”

“Who knew that Darth Vader was Luke’s Dad?” (Sorry, James Lileks only.)

“”Having Karl Rove toss George Bush an anchovy after each correct answer was mildly amusing.”

“MSNBC had Jesus on after the debate and he kept saying he wouldn’t comment because he didn’t want to get involved.”

“Have you ever seen so many Ashcroft ninjas in your life?”

“I thought Kerry’s flashing a shiny dime at Bush when he was trying to answer was really unfair.”

“George Bush’s firm manly answers caused my skin to flush as my breath became ever more shallow. My hardened nipples pressed against my sheer white blouse as I contemplated him taking me in his strong arms and thrusting into me over and over again with his steely rod. God. I have never been so wet.” (Sorry. Peggy Noonan only…maybe James Lileks)

“I never thought of George Bush as a slapper when it came to a fistfight, but there it was for all the world to see…”

“Remember when George Bush’s ‘hearing aid’ fell out and he just stood there saying “Karl? Karl? Helloooo…Karl?” That was pretty cool.”

“Having Andy Card come out and whisper in George’s ear probably set off a lot of alarms with people.”

“Kerry grimacing and saying it was just the shrapnel shifting was pretty smooth.”

“Thank god for the five second delay or we might have seen Dick Cheney’s nipple…again.”

“What the debate really needed was Dennis Miller’s monkey…or Miller. Whichever.”

“CBS called it CSI: Debate which is probably why their ratings were so high.”

“I think only having one public service commercial interuption was a good idea, although having Lynne Cheney talk about the heartbreak of vaginal dryness was kind of icky.”

“I don’t see this being picked up for the fall schedule. Well, maybe on UPN.”

You can thank me later. Or send gifts.


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