So you don’t have to watch….

I won’t be able to see President Bubble Boy give his speech tonight. But I do have a list of possible comments about it that you might overhear while standing in line at Starbucks tomorrow morning.

“Having both Mel Gibson and Jesus come out on stage with him probably locked up the Christian vote”

“Where can I get one of those old people muzzles like the one that Zell Miller was wearing?”

“I don’t care for Bush, but I felt kinda sorry for him when he got his head stuck in the podium.”

“I guess Lynne Cheney never expected those low-angle camera shots or she probably would have worn underwear.”

“The proposed Constitutional Amendment changing the pronounciation to ‘nu-ku-lar’ was unexpected.”

“I just wished JC Watts could have quit hawking popcorn in the aisles until Bush was done”.

“It was really nice to see Laura Bush blink that one time. It made her seem so…real”

“When Dick Cheney started flopping around on the stage like a landed trout, Bush didn’t even bat an eye. That’s the sign of a leader.”

“The Swift Boat Veterans Glee Club’s rendition of Fortunate Son was surprisingly well done”

“Mary Cheney looked positively radiant”

“Pulling Osama Bin Laden’s head out from under his jacket was effective, but a bit over the top”

“Until he spotted that delegate in the front eating a banana he seemed so focused.”

“I would have saved bringing Ronald Reagan back from the dead until the very end.”

“Having Cheney pull off part of his shirt to expose his nipple wasn’t as shocking as it would have been over a year ago.”

“An acceptance speech in iambic pentameter. You don’t hear that everyday.”

“I heard it was Karen Hughes job to make sure his fly was zipped.”

“The speech was okay, but Karl Rove’s satanic cackling in the background was really annoying.”

“The people sitting in front of the twins looked pretty pissed about having beer sloshed on them all night.”

“Until he brought it up, I wasn’t aware that Mars had WMD’s, much less the fact that their hydra-headed overlords were threatening us.”

“Laura looked positively strickened when he came out and declared his love for Tom Ridge.”

“Giving the speech in the round was a novel idea. I just don’t think anyone anticipated that piece of toilet paper hanging out the back of his pants.”

“When Condi burst out on stage and said she was carrying Bush’s ‘lovechild’ you could have knocked me over with a feather.”

“Hiring Halliburton to do the balloon drop was a good idea, but I expected a lot more for $2.4 billion.”

“Were you as distracted watching Fred Barnes humping Bush’s leg during the speech as I was?”

“I’ll reserve judgement on rounding up all the poor people and putting them in workcamps until I see if I made the cut.”

“CNN cut away from the post-speech delegate orgy on the floor, but I hear Fox carried it.”

“When he was shaking hands with people at end, I swear he shook hands with Satan. Or Tom Delay, it was hard to tell.”

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....