There will be no biffing about while the wildebeest slumber by the waterhole

There’s not much to say this week about America’s Worst Mother&#153 as Meghan admits that her children (Malificent, Anorexia, Cleon, and Episiotomy Ed) are feral due to the fact that she really is America’s Worst Mother&#153.

A speedy wildebeest can outrun a pack of predators, or hide from them, or feint in a frantic zigzag until its attackers lose interest and seize some less fleet-footed prey. A parent, on the other hand, is for 18 years vulnerable to ambush at all hours, from all sides.

A parent must become skilled at sensing the predator and reading its intentions before it pounces. So, for example, an experienced father will, without looking, automatically brace his spine a split-second before his son leaps from the second-floor landing at his unprotected back. A wily mother knows that if she kneels on the floor to play horsie with the youngest child, she must expect all the children to pile on, no matter how brute their force, spiny their limbs, or how large and gangly they have grown. It’s not fatal, like an encounter with hyenas, but it comes close.


There is nothing more annoying than hearing an upper-middle class stay-at-home suburban mom whine about how hard it is to raise her children when there are millions of working moms (including single-parent working moms) who daily manage the feat without letting their brood turn into a pack of slavering scavengers. But it reminds us that there are two important lessons to be learned here:

1. Don’t have more kids than you can handle. With rare exceptions (the Santorum family comes to mind), human children do not come in litters. There is a reason for that. Birth control is widely available and if you can’t avail yourself, practice the rhythm method, but only if you keep a beat. Besides, if you have too many kids too close together you end up looking like this which is nature’s way of warning men off.

2. Teach your children well. You’re the mommy. You make the rules. Enforce them. You’ve probably had years of practice with the daddy, and look how well he’s turned out. A time-out, a stern word, a threatening glance, or a well-placed burst of pepperspray can turn even the most uncontrollable child into a docile little angel…once the screaming and face-rubbing on the carpet has concluded.

These are proven rules. One need only look at how well I turned out…

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....