Why I Am A Republican

Thanks to the many readers who sent in their Why I Am A Republican submissions. I didn’t do a Top Ten because, well, there were a bunch of good ones. The added bonus is that they have done my work so I could watch Alias. Thanks.


I don’t read the papers because they have “opinions” and stuff, and my objective handlers told me to be a Republican.- victor

Well, after the head injury, i just don’t understand them democrats…- chris

Because my illegal Mexican pool boy doesn’t pay enough taxes- Michael

I am a Republican for many reasons – I believe in self-reliance, (like our fine president who is a self-made man), I believe in the infallibility of the free market (because we can trust big companies to police themselves), and I believe that God Hisself has blessed this fine nation (through his son Jesus Christ, whom all good people love and accept as their Savior). But mostly because I hate gays and darkies. – Maureen

I’m a Republican because…. I’m sorry, do I know you? I mean, I don’t recognize you, are you even in The Club? Because if you’re not in The Club, you know, I’m really not even supposed to be talking to you.- paul

Because my heart is a small, dark hole from which nothing, not even light or human emotion, can escape.- gunther

Because in America, hard work, individual initiative, and self-reliance allows someone like George W. Bush to rise from the gutter and achieve greatness- gunther

Because I’m convinced I’m as well off as all those folks I see on them TV shows.- gunther

Because I think that Blacks, Indians and other minorities have been getting a free ride in this country for the last 400 years.- gunther

I’m a Republican because I believe that freedom of speech is great, but you know, only within reason- matt

Allowed to “jump the line” to get on Limbaugh radio show to tell Rush that he’s absolutely right about Hillary Clinton’s complicity in the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.- rich

Mandatory 7 a.m. Bible prayer meetings great place to meet former “Miss Teen USA” contestants.-rich

..government should be of, by, and for the RIGHT people- Alan

Because the only person I dislike more than myself is everybody else.-sac666

Because someone needs to stop that Hillary Clinton from flying around the country in her black helicopter dolling out crack and performing free abortions.- john

I’m a Republican because you can’t make a Coulter and Ingraham sandwich with no wimpy liberal meat.- chris

I had sex once, but it wasn’t all that great–why should anybody else enjoy themselves.- chujoe

I came for the tax cuts, but stayed for the intolerance-davis

I am a Republican because the Republicans stand for integrity and honesty and moral clarity and the absence of commas in lists.- damon

I am a Republican because the Democrats are the party of pie-in-the-sky dreamers and also because it really is possible that one day I may be rich enough to benefit from Bush’s tax cut.- damon

I am a Republican because, like, my Dad read me ‘Hop on Pop’ when I was a baby but now he’s like, ‘I’ll cut off your tequila and crack allowance if you ever vote Democrat,’ and I’m all, ‘Dude, you totally changed!’ and then he’s all … Oh. My. God. That chick just totally puked all over her pledge dress! That is sooooo funny!- damon

I am a Republican because Democrats are pussies who won’t fight in wars for their country and Republicans are heroes who unselfishly hold themselves out of dangerous combat as young men because the country will need them later on to run those wars from cool secret bunkers which probably have trapdoors that drop “No 2” into a shark tank if he screws up.- damon

I am a Republican because I am an elderly Jew who votes in West Palm Beach … which technically makes me a Reform Party supporter, but why quibble, bubalah?- damon

I am a Republican because you’re not the boss of me! So neener-neener Mr Poopy-Bossy Pants.- damon

Because being a Republican means never having to say that you miscalculated the post-war resistance, and that you are now responsible for an ever worsening occupation.- Arthur

There’s nothing like putting people in jail on a “law and order” platform for doing the same drugs you did. Consistency being a hobgoblin and all.-dan

There’s nothing like cutting services and funds to services men and women while exhorting people who don’t want to send those same service men and women into war to “support the troops.” Hobgoblins! Everywhere!- dan

I’m a Republican because it’s better to be sure about something even if you’re wrong.- noel

I’m a Republican because smart, well educated, well spoken, thoughtful people make me feel insecure and uncomfortable when they try to force me to use my own higher brain functions to sort through the problems and challenges facing our society on a global level- sterling

because thinking causes wrinkles.-julia

Because Tom Daschle wouldn’t return my phone calls.–Governor Bill Owens (R-CO)(actually john)

I am a Republican because “I appreciate people’s opinions, but I’m more
interested in news . . . and the best way to get the news is from objective sources, and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff,” who currently are my two underpaid cats, Propecia and Kozmo.- obnoman

Because they’re the only ones who’ll stop Hillary Clinton from prying this homemade grenade launcher out of my cold dead fingers.- rich

Becuz librul teechers are filing our childrens branes with goddless evolushun and terning them into morans- tresy

Because the Nazi Party turned me down- moulinoon

I saw a badge that said “Do as you’re told, vote Republican”.-nabakov


If I mis-attributed anyone’s quote, you have my apologies.



Yeah. Like I would tell you....