Virgin Ben’s dry spell is over

No, he didn’t get laid. This isn’t exactly the Age of Miracles. But what we love about our little unsullied flower of Jewish boyhood is when he goes where no Ben has gone before: talking about S-E-X. Shhhhhh….

Britney Spears was 12 years old when Madonna did a performance in Sydney, Australia, titled “The Girlie Show.” It’s unlikely she viewed Madonna dressed as a man, flirting outrageously with female performers while singing “Like a Virgin.” But if she did, did she hope that one day she would be able to make out with Madonna herself?

If she did, the 2003 MTV Awards ceremony must have been a dream come true for her. Spears and fellow Mickey-Mouseketeer-turned-slut Christina Aguilera joined Madonna in a tribute to “Like a Virgin.” Spears and Aguilera were dressed in mock bridal gowns, with Madonna dressed in black, as the groom. After the three danced around like strippers starved for tips, Madonna turned to Spears, Spears opened her mouth, and the two played a round of tonsil hockey. When she was done cleaning Spears’ teeth with her tongue, Madonna turned to Aguilera, and they shared an open-mouthed kiss. Throughout the lesbian orgy, the crowd roared its approval.

Let’s stop right here. You know, if I had known there was going to be a lesbian orgy, I would have watched. But only in the fevered mind of Lil Ben would this qualify as a “lesbian orgy”. Hell, Lynne Cheney could knock out a better lesbian orgy scenario ballgagged, oiled up, and sitting astride Dick…and she has. And shouldn’t we ask how it is that Ben knows how “strippers starved for tips” dance?

More from the Prince of Nocturnal Emissions:

Crossing the line has been a staple of the MTV Awards since its start. Each year, someone has to do something outrageous. And Spears has a history of pushing the envelope. Two years ago, Spears gyrated half-naked with a giant Freudian snake around her neck. That’s quite a distance from Spears’ all-American, solid-Christian, virgin-until-I’m-married image of a few years back.

“giant Freudian snake”. “Giant Freudian snake”? What the fu–. Is this what happens when someone spends their time in Psych 101 coloring in the basketball player on their Pee-Chee folder? “Giant Freudian snake”? Somebody call the Psych Department at UCLA…

What happened to Britney? She started to lose popularity. She was too old to maintain popularity as a “virgin.” Society expected her to lose her virginity — now. So she lost it retroactively, by admitting that she had slept with longtime boyfriend Justin Timberlake years before. But it wasn’t enough. Society wanted a rebel, someone who could break the rules. Britney obliged by suggesting to Madonna that they swap saliva on MTV.

Society doesn’t just demand rebellion and over-the-line behavior from its entertainers. It demands that girls (and boys) have sex before marriage, at younger and younger ages. It demands that young women (and men) “experiment” with their sexuality. It demands that biblical values be kept out of schools and that condoms be kept in them. Society demands that dignity take a back seat to salaciousness.

Let’s hop into the wayback machine and check out young innocent 17-year old Britney:

Oh baby baby
the reason I breathe is you
boy you’ve got me blinded
Oh pretty baby
there’s nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
It’s not the way I planned it
Show me
how you want it to be
tell me baby
’cause I need to know now

Here’s Britney not selling sex at age 17.

I’m sure Ben, who is quite the cultural omnivore, would like us to believe that he was unaware of such doings back in the day, but I think Ben’s mattress (and long-suffering mother) may tell another grimmer story…



Yeah. Like I would tell you....