News you can’t use

Thin-voiced, acting-impaired, fashion victim Jennifer Lopez has announced yet another marriage to this month’s lucky batchelor, the like-wise acting-impaired Ben Affleck. Lopez, also known as J-Lo or PR-Stunt, had gone a personal record three days without having her name in the press before making the announcement to former journalist, and now publicity agent’s bitch, Diane Sawyer, on ABC “news”.

Meanwhile an AIDS epidemic ravages Africa, the world awaits the start of World War III in the Middle East, and Ben Shapiro is still a virgin for the forseeable future.