Scientist discovers cause of “Republicanism”

Are you a man who is feeling irritable, depressed and bloated? Well, those are symptoms related to a condition called “irritable male syndrome,” which may affect millions of men.

Connie Hillegass said she hit a snag in her marriage a few years ago because something was different about her husband, Michael.

“It’s like a switch was turned off. There was no lust — no desire,” Michael Hillegass said.

Scott Simmons, an IMS patient, noticed changes when he hit middle age, too.

“(I felt) tired, lethargic, and (I) didn’t have a zest for work anymore. (I) started gaining weight,” Simmons said.

IMS Posterboy Dick Cheney told assembled and bemused reporters, “You try being married to Lynne for a few years and see what it does to you. Besides the lethargy and the weight gain, it takes me four popsicle sticks and a yard of athletic tape to splint myself hard enough to satisfy her unnatural cravings.” The Vice President then winced at the thought and slugged back one of the mini airline bottles of scotch he keeps in his coat pocket for just such grim mental images.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....