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Hello, This Is Spinal Tap Polling

The Legacy

(Photo: SteveR-/flickr)


Please press 1 if you are an elderly, southern, evangelical, Caucasian, conservative voter, or hang up now.

So after perusing some right-wing blogs, I think I’ve come up with my new career:

I’ll be a totally fake, in-the-bag conservative pollster who just makes up numbers that show Republican candidates as competitive at the Presidential level. I can augment that with polls that show leans Democratic races as competitive, and leans Republican races as runaway sure things. Basically just take Nate Silver’s numbers and add R+11 to them. This way I’ll out-Raz Rasmussen, because my polls will go to 11.

According to the RWBs, only Raz has the true scoop on the race, since everyone else thinks there are still Democrats in the country.  Apparently every other pollster thinks that 2008 is a valid baseline for estimating voter turnout, which is clearly wrong because Democrats won, and that can’t ever happen. Furthermore, everybody knows that Acorn turned out millions of Mickey Mouse voters in Pennsylvania alone! Why, just today I read an insightful comment to the effect that early voting :

Gives ‘em more time to lose some votes and allows more cartoon characters and the dead to vote. — bgill

I can even set up a program where I customize poll results in collusion with political ad consultants, showing hefty bounces after they run ads, in return for a cut of the action. I’m looking forward to 1% of that sweet, sweet Citizens United money ending up in my Swiss bank account, which I will totally set up for currency hedging and not to evade taxes. At all. Because Freedom.

How would all this work? Simply, my friend, because the key to success is to tell people what they want to hear. And there’s nothing conservatives want to hear more than they are still a dominant force in American politics.

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