There Will Be Teblood: Gloria Patri-ots, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto Edition
If you thought that this years Super Bowl was going to be The Most Important Football Game Ever Played – Until They Play It Again A Year Later, well, you’re just dumb. Assuming you are reading this Sunday morning, you may well be aware that Tim “Tebow” Tebow who is the Greatest Quarterback To Ever Play In The NFL, Who Is Named Tim Tebow will take the field today against the Patriots who are quarterbacked by that cute guy who bangs all the hot actresses and models out of wedlock and has won three Super Bowls – all of these things, I might add, God has allowed him to do without so much as a smite on the wrist.
So, if you are of a theological bent, you have to ask yourself:
Would I rather be the Virgin Quarterback with dubious passing skills and poor footwork who must come back in the last two minutes of every game to win and then spends the off-season circumcising young Filipino boys … or that guy with the championship rings who’s banging the hot models and actresses?
Then ask yourself this: which one of these guys does God love more?
You don’t have to answer that right now…
While you’re mulling that over, here is Drew Magary on the age old question of Why People Who Hate Tim Tebow Hate Tim Tebow (are the luckiest people in the world):
Not only is it OK to root against Tim Tebow, it’s practically your duty as cynical American. Hating on Tebow means rebelling against the same media bullshit generator that made superhumans out of the likes of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre. It’s saying a gigantic FUCK YOU to anyone who thinks you’re a cold-hearted, football-hating miser for not BELIEVING in Tebow. For not “enjoying the ride.” For not letting go and giving in to his wily Christian charms and ability to produce rainbows in the shape of a crucifix during the fourth quarter. Hating on Tebow means subscribing to the idea that the fucker is human, which is a much more accurate and boring story than the current myth being erected.
So yeah, I hope that the Broncos lose their final three games by 30 points each and Marmalard ends up winning the division. Because even though Philip Rivers is a devout Christian, no one’s gonna declare his backing into the AFC West title a miracle.
As an aside, and as a San Diegan, I want to confess that I don’t want the Chargers to win the West and, more importantly, the Super Bowl because then San Diego will get all pumped up with a bad case of the stupids and vote to spend hundreds of millions of dollars that WE DON”T HAVE to build a stadium that will get used maybe twenty days out of the year for a fucking billionaire who can pay for it himself if he wants it so fucking bad.
And speaking of fucking, Jezebel has a handy guide if by chance you come across Tim Tebow in a vulnerable moment. Remember; he may start out poorly but there is a good chance of a big finish, if you know what I mean and I think you do, in which case you’re probably going to hell.
I’ll save you a seat…