BP Looks On The Bright Side
Loathe ’em or hate ’em, you have to admire BP’s plucky determination to find positives in any situation:
Wall Street Journal blog The Source apparently read [BP internal online newsletter] BP Planet and summarized:
“There is no reason to hate BP,” one local seafood entrepreneur is quoted as saying, as the region relies on the oil industry for work.
“Much of the region’s [nonfishing boat] businesses—particularly the hotels—have been prospering because so many people have come here from BP and other oil emergency response teams,” another report says. Indeed, one tourist official in a local town makes it clear that “BP has always been a very great partner of ours here…We have always valued the business that BP sent us.”
You see that, haters? Everyone loves BP, and their clever business decision to dump millions of gallons of toxic crude oil into the gulf ecosystem was the best thing that ever could have happened to the local economy!
Gawker then proceeds to beg in a most dreadfully undignified fashion for a mole to send them a screengrab of the BP Planet story, but they lack FDL’s vast resources and Kraken-like tentacles. I merely had to make a few discreet inquiries, and BP Planet was mine for the perusing. While I am unfortunately not allowed to show any actual screenshots or quote directly from it, I am allowed to summarize the highlights:
- Our brand recognition is at an all-time high!
- In addition to the tremendous boost to the local hospitality industry, the need for workers to gather up all the oil we released into the wild is just the kind of “shovel-ready” stimulus the American economy needs to reduce unemployment.
- Emergency response people are very polite and undemanding compared to pushy, obnoxious tourists. Gulf residents have found the change of pace to be quite refreshing.
- Dangerous overcrowding of the Gulf ecosystem has been averted as many species are now migrating safely to less oil-rich waters, giving the delicate undersea environment a chance to recharge.
- Gulf beachgoers no longer have to worry about shark attacks (this may have have an adverse effect on the media industry, however).
- We are pleased to report that no seals, sea otters, walruses, or pandas have been harmed by the unscheduled oil release, proof that our emergency response plan is working perfectly.
- We have opened up unprecedented research opportunities in the fields of marine and wetland ecology, toxicology, engineering, and PR, as well as providing a helpful compendium of potential government and oil company pitfalls to avoid in the future.
- The odds of such an anomaly occurring in the same spot are so vanishingly small that Gulf residents are effectively inoculated from another unscheduled oil release for at least a hundred years. Would you believe twenty years? Ten? Would you believe… five years?
I wonder if silver lining would help prevent future blowouts – BP seems to have quite a knack for manufacturing it.