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Scientists Discover the Key to Five Distinct Races of Human Eyeballs

Scientists working at the Renselauer Polytechnical Institute's Madison Ocular Laboratory have discovered that there are five separate races of human eyeballs:  the brown eyeball race, the green eyeball race, the blue eyeball race and the hazel eyeball race.  After many years of study to determine what the difference was between the races of eyeballs, researchers have discovered the following:  Regardless of eye color, eye function is identical in every respect, with biological and physiological properties that are indistinguishable across eye-color groups.  It is even possible to transplant the corneas from any race of eyeballs to any another while improving rather than diminishing visual acuity.

The difference between these ocular groups is in the way people with these eye colors perceive each other.  Although Madison Lab researchers were able to discern no physiological difference between the eyeballs themselves, aside from their color, they nonetheless discovered that people with blue eyes believe there is a significant differences between eye color groups and people with brown and green eyes mostly agree.  And, having discovered this, they were able to issue the press release of today, announcing that there are five races of eyeballs – the brown eyeball race, the green eyeball race, the blue eyeball race and the hazel eyeball race.

When asked how this information would be useful, scientists acknowledged that the discovery would have no medical benefits but it would would create jobs by increasing the complexity of the US Census and it would also be useful to politicians in rallying and targeting voters at election time.

And the pervasive believe in eye “racial” groups will also create new jobs for psychiatrists, because this belief constitutes a form of delusional insanity.

However, they did acknowledge a one significant downside to their discovery:  If it becomes pervasive, the belief in the existence of eyeball “racial” groups will inevitably lead to an increase in eyball “racism.”

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